I just semi-turned down* an invitation for a social thing this weekend, even though it's with a bunch of people that I like a lot, doing exactly the kind of low-key social hanging-out that I like the best (that is, NOT centered around drinking, bars, or late nights).
Why? BECAUSE I AM TRAPPED IN THE BARZAM AND I CAN'T GET OUT.
I mean, seriously, it's not even that I want to go but don't think I should because I should be studying. I know I can only study for so long, the occasional break is good for you, it's not like I'd have to stay out late, etc. etc. Going out for a few hours one evening is not going to make or break me.
It's more like right now, I can't even IMAGINE sitting in a room of cool people (who are NOT taking the Bar) and thinking about something OTHER than the Bar. It's not that I WANT to think about the Bar all the time; I just. can't. help it. It's like I've entered a damn cult or something.
I can hang out with other Bar-takers, because we're all in the same place; we all know what each other is going through; we're all living in the same country right now. But people who live somewhere else, who've never visited - I don't know, I just don't think they can get where I'm at. (Which is not their fault - they have no reason to know this country. It's just a gulf between us right now.)
More to the point, I do not wish to inflict myself on them! Because, my friends, studying for the Bar? Is really, really BORING. Real law is interesting; the Bar is duller than fuck. So I can only imagine how much fun it would be for my non-Bar friends to hang out with someone who can think about nothing but the world's dullest subject. I really like all the people involved, and don't want them to think I don't want to hang out with them; but I also don't want to expose them to Me, Barzam Edition.
*I said maybe, so that if I get some kind of freak burst of sociability that evening, I could buy some chips and head on over. But I doubt that's going to happen.
Are they nerds like me? If so, they might be more interested than you might think. For a while in graduate school, my proximity to bar-studiers led me to be able masterfully dissect problems about property. To this day I can still surprise people with my above-average understanding of joint tenancy with rights of survivorship.
Posted by: Rudbeckia Hirta | Saturday, July 16, 2011 at 05:33 AM
I totally relate with this!
My husband and I had an invite to go on the lake with a few of our close friends today and he's like "pleeeease come, you can bring your outlines and study on the boat!" And I thought, "You're f*cking insane if you think I can study on that boat, not to mention my outlines will surely get ruined with water or beer or sunscreen!"
Of course I didn't say that to him. Instead I politely said, "12 more days, sweetie."
But, yes, it's impossible to do anything these days. I went to a movie back in May, after two weeks of Barbri and I focused on the movie no problem. Hubs wanted to see a movie last week and I had to tell him no because I knew the entire time all I'd think about would be some bar topic and that's a waste of a $10 movie ticket.
Anyway, I totally feel you! But I'm happy to know you haven't totally foreclosed social options. We go out to dinner quite a bit (after 10 hours of studying I get all claustrophobic like I have to leave NOW). I know some people who have been super strict about not even going out to dinner and that makes me feel guilty.
The bar is torture - I never feel like I'm doing enough! But yet it's all I think about. I've even had some dreams where I'm listing off elements of some rule. It's pure madness. But in a way, a weird twisted way, it's kind of fun. I've never known so much stuff at one time, and that's kind of cool. :)
Posted by: MLU | Saturday, July 16, 2011 at 11:25 AM
Just go.
Posted by: still here | Saturday, July 16, 2011 at 12:02 PM
Ugh. I know. I have become the most boringest person on the planet. I legitimately DISLIKE myself.
Posted by: Kori | Monday, July 18, 2011 at 02:27 PM