The last vestiges of my professor-ness are falling away as I type

So, panicking about how very, very, very far I am from done on the paper draft I have due tomorrow, I finally sat down and counted up how many words I'd written (I'm using Scrivener to draft, so I write it bits rather than in one long scrolling document, so had no idea how much I'd written). 

Turns out, I have something like 8000 words.

(My prof hasn't given us so much as a rough guideline for what zie wants, length-wise, but usually seminar papers here run from 25-30 pages. If we look to what the prof assigns for reading, we might think zie wants something of monstrous length; but knowing this prof, I think zie'd be happier with a tiny polished gem of insight than flabby summary of the expected length. I should mention that my 8000 words are VERY flabby.*)

What's really funny is how student-y I'm being about this. The draft is currently pretty awful (lots of history and set up, not nearly enough law). It needs a LOT of work. But - BUT! - I have, technically, enough words! And while I know - believe me, I really do know - that it's not about having enough words, but about having the right words, right now?

I. really. don't. care.

I mean, I do, in the grand scheme of things, care about making this a good paper. But there's no way that I'm going to rectify all the problems with this thing by tomorrow. (The major issue: there's a chunk of primary research I still need to do, which won't be hard, and which I can do before the end of the semester; I just can't do it tonight.) And somehow, if I'm going to turn in something incomplete, it makes me feel better to submit something where what's written meets the length requirements (which I've completely made up in my head), rather than something that doesn't meet the length requirements. Even though I'm sure my prof would prefer something under the length requirements but good, rather than great lengths of awfulness.

This feels really student-y, to me, because it's become all about fulfilling the requirements. I even chose to do this paper (we have an exam option), because I like writing (really! I do!) and because liking writing and being (reasonably) good at it is an important part of my identity. And yet when it comes down to it, right now, it's not about producing a competent and interesting piece of work, for the work's sake. It's about fulfilling the damn requirements so I can submit this to my professor and move on to the next goddamn thing. It's not about actually writing something good, exercising independent analysis, and being true to the idea that's in the paper; it's about getting words on a page, because I'm obligated to do so--and I didn't really choose that obligation. I chose it in the short term, but it was a choice between different kinds of obligations, imposed upon me by this outside force (the law school), for which force I have to do stuff, and which I have to ask to pretty please find me acceptable and pass me along.

And that is what I dislike about being a student. (I can remember having a different attitude to writing and research as a professor; but I can't recapture that perspective, from where I currently sit.)

*You know that James Lipton meme, that asks about your favorite word and favorite curse word and what you want God to say at the pearly gates and so on? It asks for your least favorite word; I think mine just might be flabby. It's kind of a great word - really evocative and striking - but yet an awful one at the same time.

Comments

[Contrary-wise]

Is it bad that I feel the same way about my dissertation right now?

[kellyinkansas]

Hang in there!

Your teacher/historian/research side is showing given the reflective nature of this post. It's all about seeing the big picture and realizing what are actually only temporary challenges/limitations (ie time)

[joy]

Moist is even worse than flabby.

Yup, I know what you mean. I wasn't a professor, but I still would like, ideally, to produce thoughtful, well-written work, and instead, I produce flab. And I do so resentfully.