Overreacting

I have been feeling kind of sorry for myself all day. But that's kind of an overreaction. Really, it's just because this cold is still wearing me down - there's nothing wrong with my life, all is good, I'm just crazy busy and all.

Thing is, though, my head is all plugged up, so I sound wrong to myself when I talk, and for some reason, that was really disconcerting today. It just feels wrong, and I keep being amazed that people aren't commenting on my fundamental wrongness and differentness. 

(But I'm probably overreacting.)

And today was also one of those days when I feel like a human-sized labrador puppy. Hi! How are you! You're cool! Wanna play with me? Please please please please please?? I'll catch the ball! You can throw it, I'll bring it back! I promise!

Is it just me? Do any of the rest of you have days like this, when you feel like you keep blundering into people (figuratively, not literally), trying to be part of things yet always feeling peripheral? And if you do, do you think they have anything to do with actually being a big PITA blundering into things, or are they just paranoia in your head? 

(I may be overreacting.)

And then I was annoyed at a classmate for being anti-intellectual. Which isn't really fair - this is lawyer college, not a Ph.D. program, and people come here to learn how to be a lawyer, not to ponder weighty academic debates. But still, it was one of the very few times since starting law school that I've felt like someone was really disdaining...well, the kinds of things I spent sixteen years of my life doing. It's one thing for someone to say, "This just isn't my cup of tea." It's another to imply, "Who the hell would ever study this stuff, anyway??"

(But I'm probably overreacting.)

Lastly, there appears to be a weird dynamic developing with one of my friends wherein we only talk about jobs. The thing about jobs is, if you're a law student, you can carry on a conversation with pretty much any other law student, no matter who they are, if you're talking about jobs. But talking about jobs is also a minefield. And this feels like it's turning into a weird thing where this person is comparing their job success/opportunities against mine. I don't think I've been more successful, job-wise, but I sometimes feel like this person thinks I have been, and it's not that they think I don't deserve my success (to the extent I've had any), but that this person feels they should have had more success. I can't pinpoint what makes me feel this way (I'm very bad at identifying passive-aggressive behavior when directed toward me--I just kind of ignore stuff unless you talk to me directly--so I'm not much good at analyzing this), it's just a kind of vibe.

(But this, too, may be an overreaction.)

Really, though, this would have been a much better day if I could have just crawled back under the covers and gone back to bed, and skipped everything else.

Comments

[joy]

I came home today and sobbed for a good hour about my feelings of hopeless inadequacy in the face of everything I have to do this semester, next semester, next year, and then...hey, if I'm this much of a basket case now, I'll clearly be a terrible lawyer and a menace to clients should anyone be so crazy as to hire me. And then, of course, though it hadn't been earlier, my head was all plugged up, too.

I was definitely overreacting. But some days are just one big fundamental blunder. May tomorrow bring clear sinuses and clearer minds to both of us.

[Leslie M-B]

Ah, yes, lab puppy days: I haz them, especially this week. It doesn't help that I have an actual lab puppy to compare myself to, 'cause yep, I feel I'm doing the same kind of pleading. It doesn't help that I'm in a new t-t job, where--as you know--colleagues' satisfaction with me and my work is key to job security.

Hang in there. I'm sure our desire to be liked isn't as transparent or obnoxious as we perceive it to be. . .right? :P

[life_of_a_fool]

Um, yes, I very very often feel like I am blundering into people, wanting to be a part of things and feeling very peripheral.

And this: "I'm very bad at identifying passive-aggressive behavior when directed toward me--I just kind of ignore stuff unless you talk to me directly" sounds like an excellent skill or way of dealing with passive-aggressiveness. You frame it as though this is a weakness of yours, but I think it sounds like the best way to deal with it: blissful ignorance. But, on the job success comparisons, yes, I have had friends do the same with me. I hate it. And I think it's hard for me not to feel a little insulted by it.

[Laura]

I'm with you and Leslie on the lab-puppy thing. I accidentally went to a breakfast that I wasn't really invited to. I thought I was supposed to go and no one told me otherwise. I ended up standing around trying to explain why I was there. Everyone was very nice and gracious about it, but afterward, I felt like an idiot. And then, at lunch yesterday, I had the distinct feeling no one wanted me to sit with them. Sigh. Please be my friend. :)

[Bardiac]

I'm pretty sure though, that there is no higher life form than a lab puppy. They pretty much are filled with joy and a willingness to help others find joy. So, as I see it, you're aiming high when you feel like a lab pup.

The problem is, most of us, alas, haven't reached those heights, so it's awkward around us. I try, by keeping my car window open and sticking my head out, tongue lolling, to approach, but I fail.

I hope your cold goes away and the rest of us join you in lab puppyness. Because a room full of lab puppies would be totally fun (until they all got tired and fell asleep in a lump).

[museyme]

Totally with you on Lab puppy feelings. Went to an event yesterday and totally felt that way. Blundered into a full grown Lab which saved me. But still...

[Jackie]

Another lab-puppy chiming in! Do you think bloggers are more likely to feel this way, or that we're just the only ones who will admit it?

[Rev Dr Mom]

I've totally had days like that!

[New Kid on the Hallway]

Thanks, everyone, for reassuring me that it's not just me! I just hate feeling needy. But I guess it just happens.

joy, I hope that the following day(s) was better! everyone's inadequate in law school - that's why we're in school. it will get better!

Leslie - being in a new place always completely exacerbates my puppiness, for me. Definitely. But at least being new is a good reason to feel that way!

l_o_a_f - yeah, I do usually think it's a good thing just to ignore passive-aggressiveness. I mean, I'd ignore it anyway, but sometimes I worry that I'm oblivious to something I should be aware of!

Laura - you're in the same boat as Leslie; being new somewhere is *so* hard. Anyway, how could people not like either of you??

Bardiac - I love that! it's true, there are a lot worse things I could be than a lab puppy. A room full of lab puppies is amazingly fun. Maybe I just need to get all my classmates to cultivate their lab puppy-ness...

musey, Jackie, and Rev Dr Mom - it's so nice to be in such good company!

[Gargantuaness]

I am not in law, but I am in grad school...and the job discussion is a hard one. I am not personally too anxious about the market--I've been through this a couple of times already, and I've gotten work when I needed it. BUT I'm surrounded by people who need to be pried off the ceiling b/c of their anxiety.

Breakfast = High fiber/high protein shake + peanut butter and jelly sandwich. No, really. PB&J. Edible on my way to class.