Yet another way in which old = different

So, this is not meant to sound condescending, although it may come out that way. Thing is, sometimes I find observing my classmates fascinating. A lot of them are of the age where they're getting married (a bit younger than I was when I did, but hey, I'm slow about a lot of things), and I feel like a secret anthropologist, marveling at the cultural practices of an alien society.

Of course, it's a society that, in theory, I used to belong to, because one of the things separates me from them is simply being older. I watch these people getting all their ducks in a row to organize their lives the way they want them to unfold, and it's strange to recognize it as that, but I did it, too; I've never thought of my life "beginning" when I married NLLDH, but still, figuring out who you want to spend the rest of your life with is a big deal.

Even so, it's kind of an alien society, because I never got into the actual ritual of marriage the way so many people do. Wait, I take that back; ritual was important to me, in the form of a lack of ritual (which is significant in the same way that someone who says they "don't care" about their appearance and don't want to "waste time caring" about such things is sending a message about themselves to others just as much as people who devote themselves to painting their faces and sculpting their hair every morning). By this I mean, we did the anti-ritual ritual: NLLDH and I got married in a judge's chambers. I wore a black and white sundress from Talbots. Our witness was the assistant DA for narcotics who'd been prosecuting a surfer dude for possession of pot in the appointment before ours. After, we went out to dinner by ourselves. 

No fancy white dress. No attendants. No reception venue, no decorations, no pictures; very little external memorialization of this moment. No choosing colors, no planning for months, no figuring out seating charts. Because it wasn't about other people; it was just about us.

Which isn't remotely intended to criticize anyone's choices for how they celebrate the big moments in their lives. It's just that seeing my classmates' photos of their picture-perfect weddings (which, I have to admit, I love to look at; everything is so pretty!) brings home to me how I'm in a different place now from many of my classmates. I don't mind; I like being where I am, and can't expect them to be in the same place; sometimes it's just a little jarring, that's all.

Comments

[Another Damned Medievalist]

yeah -- I think that's true whenever we are surrounded by people who rank things differently. For me so much of it comes from having had mostly relationship-free life from high-school till now (except for when I was in an actual relationship -- 11 years of marriage count, after all!). But for me, the emotional checkboxes, the internal things, are the ones that have been most important. I think I might have liked some of the planning, because it looks like fun, but it never seemed sensible to me, and I've always been in the middle of my life.

I had a friend in grad school who planned a fantastic wedding while she was in med school and he was at law school. It was nice, but I was kind of, "huh?" who has the time and money?

Sorry -- rambling away here...

[Susan]

I had a very simple wedding, because the community was important, but the money wasn't there for much else. And I do think there's been a cultural shift on this, with all the wedding TV shows etc. Weddings have gotten bigger and more elaborate. But even as a kid I wondered why people would spend so much money on one day...

But I look at pictures, especially of some of the cakes, and they are very pretty!

[Dame Eleanor Hull]

I like hearing from other anti-ritual ritual people. Your wedding sounds similar to ours, except that I wore red.

[joy]

It's so funny you should post this, because it's a topic I've been thinking about lately, though from a slightly different angle. I'm getting married this summer, and while a few of my classmates are married or engaged, the fact that I'm getting married marks me as "old" here. The fact that I don't have an engagement ring and I'm not totally caught up in the planning of the wedding also mark me as different. We are having a large wedding, because we do want to celebrate the occasion with friends and family, and I have a LOT of family. But it's not going to be a Vows page wedding (literally or figuratively), and I think a lot of my classmates find that very strange. When I mentioned to one that I don't like the planning, she suggested that I just hire a wedding planner to do it for me. She meant well, of course, but it wasn't quite what I meant...

[just sayin]

So why don't you and NLLDH plan some kind of "renewal of vows" ceremony, with a nice dinner or reception afterward.

[New Kid on the Hallway]

Well, because we *still* don't want the rituals that my classmates are glorying in. Like I said, I think it's great that they so clearly enjoy creating these beautiful occasions; it's just not what we're interested in. It's just sometimes odd to be in such a different headspace from so many of my classmates. (Not bad. Just not what I'm used to.)

Joy - what an interesting contrast! I do think a lot of my LS classmates are marrying younger than I and my college classmates did - I got married at 30 and while I wasn't the first of my friends to marry, I also wasn't the last by far. I think there are still a lot of interesting regional and class differences about when people get married. Here, the fact that I've been married for almost 10 years makes me "old" (even to students who don't really know how old I am), but not being married per se.

Dame Eleanor - I would have loved to have worn red. A friend of mine got married in a white dress with red and gray flowers, and red shoes (in a church and all), partly because Ralph Reed (or some other similar person) once said that only children and prostitutes wear red shoes, and it pissed her off. :-)

Susan - aren't the cakes (etc. pretty)? I do love to look at pics!

ADM - yes, I was always in the middle of my life, too! I don't know how my classmates do it (though admittedly some did it before law school).

[juliet]

I heard not too long ago that the average wedding in Pretty Big City (where I live) costs $30k. That's average! I could see spending a decent sum on a lovely cake, but that's because I love cake. :p. Otherwise I think, wow, the wedding industry has people by the you-know-whats.

[Jansen]

That wedding sounds sooo divine and stress free. I love it.