Yesterday was a little discouraging

(Because I've been all uber-positive recently about the choice to go to law school, I felt I should add something like this, in the interests of full disclosure.)

I'm taking a trial skills course right now, which is two credits crammed into seven days, so it's rather intense.

And exhausting.

And the thing I'm finding kind of hard about it is that it's really, really different from anything I've done yet in school. Appellate advocacy -- especially doing oral arguments -- comes closest, but appellate advocacy is about the law (rather than the facts), and about persuading judges with your legal reasoning, so it's much more research-y and writing-y than trial work, which is about using facts to persuade twelve people who don't know about the fine niceties of the law and don't much care. (Not knocking juries; I think on the whole jurors take their jobs very seriously and usually come to the right decision, based on the material presented to them, but they're very different from judges.) In appellate advocacy you have to deal with the judges, but to me, judges' questions at oral arguments feel kind of like going through an academic exam or presenting at a very formal conference. So they don't really bother me.

Something like examining a witness, on the other hand? A very different experience.

Anyway, the point is that this is taking me much further outside my comfort zone than my other experiences in law school. (I suppose I could start thinking about trial work as like teaching, where you're the one in the room with specialized training and you have to make what you want to say comprehensible to a group of a people -- which is kind of true, although it would be teaching with witnesses as props... hmm, will have to think about this further. Back to being out of my comfort zone.)

What was discouraging was my own response to this. It seems I've become so invested in being the one who knows things that I've found it very very hard to handle being thrown in the deep end and trying something this new and different. When I had to do a new exercise first (we're in small groups of students and we walk through the different components of a trial, and we alternate between two cases and take turns doing the exercises), before I'd had a chance to see anyone else do one, I had a little mini-meltdown in my head. (I don't think it was evident to anyone else, but it was there.) Because I really wasn't sure what I was doing or it I had done it "right."

That said, this post isn't to say, Poor me, how frustrating and haaaaaaaaaaard! It's just to say that I'm kind of disgusted with myself for being so fearful about this experience. (Especially because I want to work in litigation!) Confusion is part of doing something new (especially when we're learning as much new stuff in as short a time as this week), and I need to be able to work through the confusion, rather than dig in my heels and pout and refuse to move until I'm absolutely, completely certain I know what I'm doing (which is what happens in my head when I have a mini-meltdown). I'm going to work harder at doing that today.

But yesterday afternoon, in one of the lectures that break up our intensive exercises, having spent the day stumbling through activities where I didn't really feel like I knew what I was doing, I just felt rather tired, out of place, and very, very old.*

*I still didn't miss academia, mind you, but I missed being in a job where I knew what the hell I was doing.

Comments

[Seeking Solace]

I know how rough trial advocacy is. I am surprised they do it the way you explained. My course was four credits once a week for three hours.

Having been a litigator myself, that course was really helpful. At my first job as an attorney, my boss threw me into a motion hearing to see if I could swim. Thankfully, I remembered everything my instructor taught me, not to mention being super prepared.

That being said, I know you are going to do just fine. This is your chance to take all the knowledge you have and use it. You have the knowledge and the drive to do well!

[Kelly in Kansas]

Pat yourself on the back for being willing to get out of your comfort zone - something academics don't usually feel comfortable doing and sometimes even resenting or even punishing colleague that do - and being able to analyze how you feel about it. That's the first step in managing it. And we know you'll do great - you're just in new territory so be patient with yourself. You're preparing and working as hard as you can and that will ultimately show itself in your performance as a lawyer.

[Feminist Avatar]

In some ways, could this be alikened to dealing with sources as a historian, rather than secondary literature? Sources, like people, can surprise you or can be resistant to the frameworks we wish to apply to them- like case facts and the law? And as a historian, we often spend time explaining why this strange little example from real life doesn't undermine your theory or should be read in a certain way. Ok, so you need to tailor your output differently for a different audience (jury) but it perhaps draws on similar skills.

[JennG]

It is really really hard to be operating out of your comfort zone. I do find as I get older it tires me out more, mostly - however - because I feel like "I should know this by now." Sure my head says it's fine to be new and learning, but my fear says AUGH. Thanks for expressing that; I needed to hear today that other people go through the same thing!

[khora]

Remember, too, that all that academic stuff was once new to you. Heck, everything is new at first. Pretty soon, you'll know exactly what the hell you're doing. ;)

[CC prof]

I thought you didn't want to do litigation at all ... can you explain a little how you came to this decision? Just curious. Thanks.