Perhaps I protest too much, but I don't miss it

The other day I found myself driving the same route that I took to campus everyday when I was teaching during my first year in this city. I noted that it was my teaching route, because it just happens that I rarely drive that route any more, since we've moved from the apartment we lived in then, and I never need to go to that campus. But it didn't feel like my teaching route. It didn't feel like anything -- it was just a street, like all the other streets in this city. It held no particular meaning. Intellectually, I thought, Oh, yeah, this is how I used to go to school; but emotionally, it didn't mean anything. It felt like something I used to do a very long time ago, that doesn't matter to me at all now.

And this is where it's possible I protest too much, but how I feel about leaving academia has come up with a friend of mine struggling through being denied tenure, who's therefore on the market this year and very very anxious about what will happen if she doesn't find another academic job. In one of our conversations, for some reason it occurred to me to tell her, "I don't miss academia, you know. Not one iota." She's come back to that a few times in subsequent conversations: "You don't miss it, right? You don't miss it at all?"

No. I don't miss it at all.

It's also come up in a listserv I belong to (I know, a listserv -- how quaint, right? How 1990s? Still, it's a good community), where the conversation among people with Ph.D.s leaving academia has turned to the psychological toll of leaving (especially for those people who feel forced out, but even for those who choose of their own volition to do something else). The despair and anguish and self-loathing among those who are un- or underemployed, who are broke, who feel that they have no transferable skills, that having a Ph.D. is hindrance more than an asset, and that they have wasted years and years of their lives, is heartbreaking. But it's all the more striking to me that largely, I have escaped such misery.

(Pause while I knock on wood.)

Yes, it was hard to leave academia. It was very very painful to get terminated at my third-year review, and it was depressing not to generate any interest at all in my job applications the following year. But in hindsight, I think I was much unhappier the first year of working at Former College, than I was to leave academia behind.

Neither of these things -- not being anguished to leave academia, and not missing it now -- are because I have some magical key to happiness and serenity that others lack the enlightenment to discover. On the contrary, there are a lot of material reasons why I have escaped some of the misery and self-blame and doubt. First, leaving academia meant I got to live with NLLDH again, which made me a happier person regardless of what was going on with my career. Second, being married to someone who had (has) a good job tempered a lot of the panic that goes with un- or underemployment. While money (or lack thereof, and the debt that ensues) has definitely been a tension between us, I still have a support system that my non-tenured friend, for instance, who is single, lacks. (That support system has shaped/limited my job choices in other ways, of course, but I'm nonetheless immensely grateful for it.)

Finally, in going to law school I have also chosen a path where the skills I developed in academia have been an asset, which helps me avoid feeling like the time I spent on the Ph.D. was a waste. I'm not going to claim that having a Ph.D. makes me a better student than anyone else, because it doesn't (and my grades reflect this. Though I did find out recently that one of my study partners from last year is ranked #1 in our class, so hey! at least I have the sense to study with smart people!). But having a Ph.D. definitely makes me a better student than I would have been if I'd gone to law school straight out of undergrad, and having work experience -- even in so strange a world as academia -- makes me better able to manage my time and to act like a professional. Employers' reactions to my background have been mixed: some employers clearly like the blank slate of the freshly graduated, law school savants who've never held a full-time job but who are in the top 10% of the class. But others find the Ph.D. intriguing and the fact that I've published stuff before ridiculously impressive.

Mind you, this is not to say that going to law school is the former academic's salvation. I don't think going to law school would help my friend at all, because she went into academia for the teaching, and wants, even if she doesn't get another faculty job, to get work that remains connected to teaching in some way (student affairs, teaching/learning center, that kind of thing). Me, I went into academia for the research and writing, which are hugely important in law school/practice, so it's a much better match. And funnily enough, I find that I'd much rather continue researching and writing on completely new topics, than maintain any non-academic connection with medieval studies. But that's just me, not everyone.

And even for me, law may yet turn out to be a bad choice. So far, I've been rewarded for my past experience more than not, and have succeeded at getting student jobs, which largely consist of volunteering and so hey! why not have a Ph.D. work for you for free for a semester? But who knows how this will translate when I'm looking for something permanent. Especially since large sectors of the legal profession have been thrown into a tailspin by the recent recession, with dire warnings that law will never be the same and that my graduating class will suffer the most. (I feel like the Typhoid Mary of professions: I enter grad school, and it rapidly becomes clear that the Bowen Report's claim that there will be a shortage of professors is utter bunk; I enter law school, and all the law blogs start declaiming the end of the legal profession as we know it. Good times.) I don't even know for sure yet if liking law school means I will like the practice of law.

More importantly, I'm taking on a big chunk of debt (though not nearly as big as some do), plus going back to school for three years, which many Ph.D.s either do not want to or cannot do. And then, of course, there's the fact that lots and lots of people would be MISERABLE going into law, so I'm not at all suggesting that because going to law school has worked as a transition for me, it would help everyone. (Brief digression: That's what kind of kills me about some of the naysayers about law school. As the legal profession has suffered recently, there are lots of people on the web saying, DON'T GO TO LAW SCHOOL! JUST DON'T DO IT!, etc. etc. And for some reason a ton of them keep suggesting that people should go to nursing school instead, because there will always be a demand for nurses and you'll make decent money. And I always want to respond: But what on earth makes you think I WANT to be a nurse? What the hell overlap is there between lawyerly skills/interests and nursing ones? What on earth similarity is there between those two professions? I mean, there is, in that both professions require intelligence, analytical skill, and in a lot of cases, the ability to deal with people/clients who have some kind of problem. But I'd suggest that day-to-day experiences of a nurse and a lawyer are pretty different!)

So, no, law school is not THE answer. But it is, for me, AN answer, at least at the moment, and it has had the benefit of removing me completely from my former profession and immersing me in a new one. I really really admire former academics who carve out new and exciting careers for themselves, creating their own niches where their interests and abilities intersect with the non-academic world. But I've never thought I would be able to do that, and am willing to take on the debt to have someone/something else provide the structure of training me into a new career. 

So, no: I don't miss academia at all. It feels long ago and far away, and I'm amazed sometimes to remember that I used to stand up in front of a room full of people every day and try to guide them on a journey through the past. I had to write on the board once last semester, and a really visceral, muscle-based memory hit me: I used to do this all the time. But there's no emotional punch to such a memory -- just a little faded nostalgia, along with a sense of wonder: Really? I did that? Not because I wonder that I could; just why I would do so in the first place.

Comments

[Patty Steck]

Hubby is ABD and in law school.

Did you have trouble getting student loans because you have a terminal degree?

[Laura]

I don't miss it either, though I keep hopping back into it on a part-time basis. I've actually come to like the part-time stuff. I choose to do something because I like it. I have no obligations beyond teaching my students, and I'm not all angst ridden in hopes of landing a tenure-track job.

In some ways, I miss the stability of my former life, having the steady paycheck, especially, but I like the control I now have to choose my work, to choose how much I work and what that work entails. I'm hoping to become the next Julie Powell, but if that doesn't happen, I have many different fallback plans.

Oh, and by the way, tell your friend that being on the admin side may make her crazy. Because at a lot of places, they won't let her teach, but will dangle that out there to keep her there (it's not just me that this has happened to, but many of my friends in teaching and learning centers, educational technology or language centers). Also, the faculty tend to snub you because in their minds, you failed as a faculty member. And even if they don't, you will be reminded every day of what you used to do, what you could do. That's one reason I suspect you don't miss it. Your life is very different from academic life, as is mine. We're not reminded every day of what was.

[What Now?]

Interesting post, NK ... and I'll chime in as one of those who doesn't miss higher ed at all, although in my case that's partly because my current life isn't so radically different from my former life. (Still writing on the board every day!)

Since your friend got into higher ed because she loves teaching, feel free to put her in touch with me if she'd like more info on teaching in independent high schools. Again, that is not THE answer, but it is AN answer, and in my case has been so very much more satisfactory than my higher ed career ever was.

[Jackie]

I'm with WN-- if your friend got into it for the teaching, then independent ("private") high schools may be a very good answer. If she's in English, the job market may still be tight, but I am so happy with my job, and so glad that I choose this fork in the road.

[Notorious Ph.D.]

I'm happy to hear that this has been a good move for you. I still love doing what I do, but there is a certain insularity that goes along with it that has thrown my so-called life out of balance.

[Bright Star (B*)]

Posts like this are why I think that you're so great! I appreciate the way you take the time to reflect upon your life in such a nuanced way.

I am truly curious to hear more about whether you like practicing law, because this sentence caught my eye, "I don't even know for sure yet if liking law school means I will like the practice of law." I hope that you do find a fulfilling professional situation in the longer term.

[New Kid on the Hallway]

@Patty - as far as I can tell, the Ph.D. hasn't had any effect on getting student loans. I tell them I have one, and they hand out the loans just as same as if I didn't. (They give me the total estimated by my school for annual costs, tuition & living expenses. I don't take quite the whole, but they give it to me without a hitch.) My sense was that as far as taking out loans is concerned, you can never be too edumacated! But I'd never taken out student loans before this, so I don't know if that has any effect or not.

@Laura - you know, you and NLLDH should meet up sometime, because I think you would have TONS to talk about (I think information literacy people and information technology people share a lot of the same burdens!). Your points about admin are really good -- I do think my friend is trying to get into admin so she can stay in the academy, but that the things you mention would bother her and it would continually remind her of what she doesn't have. It definitely helps me not to be surrounded by my former profession!

@What Now? and Jackie -- thank you, I will definitely talk to my friend about independent school teaching, because you guys are right, I think it would suit her very well. I'm not sure why it hasn't come up already, in fact, although I think she *might* have some previous experience in that field and have chosen to leave it. I also think she's still in the mindset that if she leaves academia to do a job that doesn't require a Ph.D., the years she spent earning it will have been a waste. (I totally don't get that mindset -- I wouldn't be the person I am now if I hadn't got my degree, even though what I'm doing now doesn't require it, so I just can't think of it as a waste. But I think that's where she's at, right now.)

@Bright Star -- thanks! :-) I should add that I'm really hopeful that I will like practicing law; I've enjoyed the jobs I've had so far, and while one of those jobs was not really the kind of thing you can really do long-term out of school, the other job was, and I'd be perfectly happy doing it after graduation. But it is a law school axiom that law school doesn't really prepare you for practice, and that some people who hate law school love practice and vice versa, so I'm just trying to keep an open mind and not assume that everything will automatically fall into place (without some work on my part, at least!).

The aspect of legal practice I'm most curious/anxious about is dealing with paying clients, because my experience so far has all been in government stuff. But I will be working for a firm this summer (with real live clients!), so that will be really useful experience which should give me a better sense of possible futures. My sense right now is that even if I hate private practice, I could be pretty happy working for the government (of the state/country/whatever) -- but you know, am just trying to be cautious.

(Hi, Notorious! :-D)

[Kelly Woestman]

Thanks for continuing to share your insight that there indeed IS a world outside the ivory tower ;-)

[Rev Dr Mom]

This is really interesting for me to read, having left academia myself to go back to school. I left of my own free will, and despite leaving what I had thought was my dream job, it was easy to go. It helped me that I was leaving for something else I really wanted to do, and it still helps that I get do do some of the things I did in academia that I loved--reading, writing, talking about things I'm interested in.

Honestly, I think if I miss anything it's the "idea" of being a professor...if that makes any sense at all.

I hope that you WILL like practicing law, but I know what you mean about not being sure just because you like law school.

And I didn't have any trouble taking more loans when I went to seminary with a PhD either.... Sallie Mae seemed happy for me to pile on as much new debt as I could.

[khora]

I need to return to this post again and again. As is clear on my own self-pitying blog, I'm not over the cleaving separation of my self from The Academy. As soon as I'm up to it, I'll link to this post with my own reflections (including thoughts on my frustrating inability to keep myself from being exposed to the old life in academia).

[Anjali]

Found you through GeekyMom. I'm not in academia but found this to be such a well written and fascinating post. I'll be back.

I come from a different perspective -- I went to law school, clerked for two years, then worked at a federal agency for 2.5 years -- and then decided that it was not the life I wanted. So I do struggle with the -- why the hell did I do that? -- feeling. But I'm very happy that I stopped. It just wasn't for me. Nothing is a waste if it puts you on a path that is more personally satisfying and peaceful.