Quick addendum to last post

I was thinking a little more today about my discomfort talking with profs, and I realized that the profs I've felt most comfortable with are those who've asked, of their own accord, about my life. The prof I RAed for asked me what my story was when I was in her office one time, what had I done before coming to law school. And a couple of weeks ago, I met a prof about my casenote, and he was superhelpful, and then toward the end of the meeting we were just talking about the workload in law school more generally, and he asked, did I have little ones at home? Which really struck me at the time, because I think it is the FIRST time anyone has EVER asked me that.

I suppose it could be seen as an intrusive question, and possibly a sexist one if he wouldn't ask male students the same thing (though I actually think he would). But I actually found it really, really nice (even not having kids)--it just seemed such a welcome recognition that law school isn't the only thing I do (even though it is), that I was a person with an actual life, not just a proto-lawyer-in-training.

Honestly, it made me think about my own persona as a prof, and as an advisor to undergrads, and realize how much I probably failed at reaching out to them in even the little ways that can make such a difference. There is a disadvantage to being all business, all the time.

Comments

[Pilgrim/Heretic]

That's really interesting, thinking of it from the prof's point of view (or as the prof's obligation to start conversations). The LWI asks his students about themselves all the times, sometimes in ways that make me wince a bit because they strike me as too personal, but students universally love it. I'm more comfortable with a little professional distance, but then I never connect with them quite as well as he does.

[nik]

My comments often don't make it here but I wanted to try one more time to say I'm so glad you've been blogging this month. It has been great to keep up with you again.

[New Kid on the Hallway]

P/H - yeah, I always felt the same; I wasn't comfortable asking personal questions b/c I felt it was inappropriate, but NLLDH always got to know his students REALLY well and made these incredible connections with them. (I'm not sure whether it was all him asking questions or that he has a non-traditionally-macho persona, too. Kind of like LWI. I mean this is a compliment! Maybe it's a non-American thing?) I think at Rural Utopia I fell under the mantle of awesomeness that NLLDH wore--the students who loved him figured I must be cool if he married me. ;-) I do think, though, that it can be harder for women to negotiate this, since asking about non-class-related things can open you up to being seen as a mommy in a way that men don't face. (I remember Cool Asian Prof in grad school saying she stopped asking students in her office "if they had any questions" and started asking "if they had any class-related questions" b/c she ended up deluged with all this personal info she didn't want/need!)

nik - thank you! that means an awful lot to hear! :-) (Have you been running into problems commenting? If it happens again, let me know, so I can berate Typepad or change settings or something!)

[ABS]

Just a thought on "deluged with all this personal info she didn't want/need!" --

I feel like as TAs or Profs we often forget how isolating college can be for students. There is a serious lack of mentoring, particularly for female students, and often it's only during office hours that someone actually sits with you and discusses how you are developing both academically and personally. I realized this more when I was a graduate student instructor at Large Research University and would hear all kinds of things about horrible roommates, pet deaths, lack of attention from parents, etc. etc. At the time I thought it was totally inappropriate and tried to discourage it. But a couple months ago I was back at My College during homecoming and tried to find my old profs, and I remembered *how many hours* I was in their offices getting advice and assurance on all kinds of personal development things. Humbling.

[New Kid on the Hallway]

ABS, I totally know what you mean by that (when I TAed in my grad program I'd get students who were ridiculously grateful for what I considered the tiniest little gestures of attention, because no one else on campus knew their names). But I do think the prof had a point (not sure I explained it very well originally) in that if students are coming to the women profs and telling them things they wouldn't tell the male profs, and they're personal things entirely unrelated to anything you have any actual training/expertise in (like, serious problems), the profs aren't doing the students any favors because 1) they're not therapists and can't give that kind of help and 2) if the women profs get bogged down with all this (especially at an R1) when the men profs don't, women profs won't get tenure and then won't be able to help anyone.

I just think students often expect women to be nurturing and supportive in ways that they don't expect men to be, so women can get disproportionately burdened with student attention. I do think a lot of women profs I know are actually more careful and guarded about personal stuff than the men profs are, because students are already more likely to open up to them and expect mothering from them.

At the same time, I agree about the lack of mentoring thing, which is why I think it's a huge conundrum (and one I'm not sure I negotiated very successfully).