Yes, I realize this sounds like is me complaining about good fortune

But I hate awards ceremonies.

I mean, getting awards is cool - I'm good with that. It's the part where I have to stand up in front of a whole ton of people and actually get handed the award that completely freaks me out.

This is partly, I think, because enough times, I haven't been the one getting the award, so I sit through ceremonies and empathize with the people who are left out of it.

And then there is my (erroneous, but still there) belief that I am not a "real" student, which convinces me that when I walk up to accept an award, the students are all thinking, "Her?? Why pick HER??" In other words, physically getting the award makes me feel exposed to the world as a fraud.

I kind of wonder, too, if there's a kind of blue-collar-ness to my background that contributes to this. I was decidedly NOT raised working class, but my parents both grew up very working class, and some of the things that bloggers who do identify as working class have said about that identity have really resonated with me.

I think Dr. Crazy is one who's talked about how you're not supposed to think you're better than anyone else. While my parents always encouraged my sister and me to succeed, and have always been proud of our successes and made it clear to us that they're proud, I do feel like I grew up hearing, "No one likes a conceited person" an AWFUL lot. It was one thing actually to work hard and to succeed; it was another to tell anyone about that success. It was just drilled into me from an early age that you do not brag about what you've done or what you've got, so you don't offend others not as lucky as you. (Which I guess implies that what you've done/got is about luck rather than talent or skill?) And awards ceremonies are the epitome of saying, "Look! Look at MEEEEEE!"

Anyway, for whatever reason, I hate awards ceremonies. And I sat through an hour of one this afternoon.

After which I took my car to get the oil changed and promptly locked my keys in the car in the parking lot of Jiffy Lube. It's a very good thing that business was slow, because my car blocked one of the bays while I was waiting for AAA to show up. Made me want to whip out my award and say, "Seriously, I really AM smart! I swear!"

Comments

[ozma]

It's funny because I can't even tell for sure if you won an award! I think that's what the post implies but you never say: I won an award. You really are conflicted!

Congratulations! (?)

[Belle]

I'm with you NK. I'm on the list for a ceremony here, for something I'm not really thrilled about (not an award, a nod to how long I've been at RNU). I hate hate hate walking across the stage and being the center. Gah.

[Law Ingenue]

I tried to skip out on a banquet for one of our law journals but couldn't find a good excuse so I showed up just for the drinks. When I got there I found out that they were giving me an Outstanding Associate Editor award. I felt like a heel for about five seconds but then I figured it wasn't worth feeling bad as I looked around the room in envy at all the empty chairs for the people who managed to get out of going to the banquet.

I wonder what will happen when I tell them I'm quitting the journal - nominate me for a humanitarian award? :)

Enjoy the award!

[Katie]

First, congratulations! I too feel awkward about being formally recognized, but it's been so long since that's happened that I haven't evaluated why.

And I always feel the need to justify my intelligence when I lock my keys in the car. After years of never doing it, I'm up to 3 calls to AAA in the last 6 months.

[Anastasia]

I totally know what you mean about not being allowed to think that you're better than anyone else. That makes sense. Also, the imposter feeling makes sense to me, too.

As for the keys, I will tell you my favorite Filipino proverb:

Monkeys fall out of trees, too.

In a modern idiom:

Really smart law students lock their keys in the car sometimes. :)

[ianqui]

It was just drilled into me from an early age that you do not brag about what you've done or what you've got, so you don't offend others not as lucky as you.

Of course, they also tell us that this is why women don't succeed (either in the academy or elsewhere) as much as men do, since men are more likely to trumpet their accomplishments to the world.

[squadratomagico]

Congratulations!

[New Kid on the Hallway]

ozma - sorry, that bit kind of got cut from a previous version!

Belle - glad it's not just me. :-)

Law Ingenue - thanks! I love the circumstances of your award - that's hysterical!

Katie - isn't AAA the best? I was soooo glad we'd renewed our membership!

Anastasia - love the proverb. Will have to share it with NLLDH, he will appreciate it!

ianqui - oh, totally. I've got pretty reasonable at trumpeting my accomplishments in cover letters and interviews, but otherwise, ick! But I know it actually helps to do it (that's why I showed up to the ceremony rather than bail on the agony, I think). I think there's probably a class element as well as a gender element, but gender's definitely there.

[Rev Dr Mom]

Congratulations!

I was raised the same way. And I totally agree with what Ianqui said. Necessary self-promotion still comes very hard to me.

And I love Anastasia's proverb, too!

[Susan]

Well, maybe you can see locking your keys in the car as the universe balancing for your award. But it's very funny. And great for you to win an award.

[unbalanced reaction]

Yay, congrats! I love Anastasia's proverb.

[Historiann]

Congratulations!

I agree with ianqui--although I would add that women get burned no matter what. If we don't blow our own horns, we may get passed over, but if we do, people may wonder, "well, who the HELL does she think SHE is? La-di-DAH!"

After one of my annual reviews in a former job, per my responsibility to "teaching, research, and service," I was told that my involvement in women's studies on campus wasn't service but rather "self-service," as though 1) it was somehow strange that working with women's studies was odd behavior for a women's historian, and 2) I would only work on gender issues because they might benefit me personally. Any way you look at it, that's indicative of a mighty strong allergy to recognizing or rewarding women's work (especiallly if it's on behalf of other women.)

Anyway, I'm glad you went to the awards ceremony. Shine on!

[maude lebowski]

so, what was the award for?

congratulations!!

i like the proverb, too.