New Kid on the Hallway

Early morning airport blogging while I still have Wi-Fi

7:03 am: Am sitting in the airport, watching the snow float down outside. My city is supposed to get 6-12" today. A good day to go to Florida - assuming I can leave! Cross your fingers for me! (I have, however, already had the pleasure of meeting a guide-dog-in-training named Hannah, so that was a bright spot in the security line.)

7:32 am: Snowing HARDER. It's actually really pretty, and I love snow, but maybe not quite so much just at the moment... (But oooh! the flight crew is boarding!) (and wow, my iPod touch wants to auto-correct "crew" to Cree. Who'd have thought??)

The journal meme!

And no, this has NOTHING to do with academic journals.

Rather, the Bittersweet Girl (who is clearly good at this) has come up with a new meme: the Journal Meme. I've neglected my journals quite a lot since getting married (because my habit was always to write last thing before I went to sleep, which seemed odd with NLLDH lying beside me), and since starting this blog (YES, my blog is the navel-gazing substitute for keeping a journal, okay? satisfied?). But I still identify myself as someone who does keep a journal, and like Bittersweet Girl, I have a storage box full of old ones (sadly, they're in our storage space, so no pics available). So here goes:

1. When did you begin keeping a journal/diary?
I'm pretty sure I was nine.

2. Do you journal regularly or sporadically?
Now, sadly, sporadically - I was consistent about writing until maybe ten years ago, when I became much more sporadic. NLLDH has never once even intimated he wants to read my journals, but writing in them while lying in bed next to him always seemed odd. Plus, he'd make comments about me writing bad things about him in the journal (which I was never doing), and he'd always apologize, but it kind of interfered with the moment.

And, of course, once I started writing here, the journaling declined significantly. Kind of embarrassing, but there you are. I find I'm most consistent now when I travel, especially by myself, and I don't have anyone to bounce my daily observations off of.

3. Which, if any, of the following things do you use your journal for?: recording dreams, creative writing, arguing with particular individuals (your boss, your parents, your lover, etc.), listing books/movies, tracking your weight/diet/exercise, composing unsent/unsendable letters.
My journals are NOT repositories of elegant writing. Mostly I argue with particular individuals (I love that formulation), and/or rant about something awful (or, conversely, something wonderful) sufficiently to exorcise it from my system, which I know is usually at greater length than is socially acceptable to do in public. I have done the tracking of weight/diet/exercise thing, too, but that's never been super consistent. Mostly I used journaling as a way to work through something that was bothering me - if I went back and read them, most entries probably say the same basic thing about seven times, because that's how long I had to write about it to come to peace with it. This might fall into composing unsent/unsendable letters, too, though I never wrote explicitly to anyone else - when I journal, I'm always talking to myself.

Occasionally I had aspirations of using the journal to hone my writing and set goals of commenting on at least one interesting thing per entry (where interesting ≠ my current obsession), but I never did this especially consistently.

I've never used journals for actual creative writing or listing books/movies.

4. What other purpose(s) do you use your journal for?
Hmmm, think I mostly answered this above. I'll add that I did a lot of analysis of interpersonal relationships in my journal (which is a fancy way of saying I'd write about, "He LOOKED at me today!!!!!!" Or, "I don't know why she's been so cranky lately." That kind of thing).

5. What kind of material text do you use for a journal? (For example: leather bound hard-cover, cheap spiral notebook, etc.)
It can't be an "ordinary" notebook, like one you'd use for taking research notes or the like. My very first journal was in a very teen-girl type "diary" - there was a lock and a key, and a picture of a unicorn on the front (hey, it WAS the 1970s), and the paper was sky blue. I might have had at least one other journal that locked, but usually they're just "blank books" like the kind they sell in Barnes & Noble. I have to have lined paper, because left to my own devices, I can't write in straight lines, and it bugs me for my journal to look "messy" (although frequently my handwriting degenerates into a scrawl). But I didn't much like actual leather-bound books because they were too "dark" - I like bright and cheerful colors for my journals. I also prefer journals that stay open easily, so quite a few are spiral bound. And they MUST be fountain-pen friendly. There was a stretch during my senior year in high school when I typed my journal on onion-skin paper, but I think those all got thrown out when my parents moved.

6. Where do you keep your old journals?
I have a banker's box full of completed old journals in our storage space. I also have a bunch of half-used journals sitting in the drawers of my nightstand. (These are the ones I am theoretically using now.)

7. How often, if ever, have you read through your old journals?
Pretty much never. Ugh. I can't quite bear the thought. Since I pretty much used my journals for self-therapy, I really don't really want to go back and see how messed-up I was over a given issue at a certain time. (For instance, I remember when I went through a horrible bout of bullying in the seventh grade, I wrote about wondering what would happen if I drank a whole bottle of Nyquil. I don't want to go back and relive that. Seriously.)

I have occasionally glanced through the earlier entries when I've picked up a half-used journal to write in again many months (or years) later. But usually I try to avoid doing so.

But then, I'm quite good at cutting my losses and walking away from bad things in my life, on a range of levels.

8. Have you ever allowed anyone else to read your journals?
No. If historians find the stash sometime a few generations from now, go for it. Otherwise, not going to happen. They are NOT for public consumption by anyone who knows me.

9. How has your journal keeping changed since you began blogging?
Sadly, I really have stopped writing in a journal with any regularity. Like I said, I think that means this blog has replaced my journals as a means of self-therapy. On the other hand, I promise you that the writing here is at least somewhat more professional and focused and, hopefully, has some appeal to others, and believe me, my journal writing is NONE of those things. So the two kinds of writing do serve different purposes, and I keep planning to pick up the journal again. I do tend to write right before going to sleep, though, and because I get up so early to commute to school, I'm always trying to preserve sleep time. So it hasn't worked so far. And I also think there's only so much non-assigned writing I can produce at a given time - I can write either in my journal, or here, and more recently, it's been here. (And sometimes it's neither.)

10. Upload a picture of your journals (or as many as you can).
Well, most of them are in the storage space, and as for the ones that are here - so, if I dug them all out of their drawers, stacked them somewhere to photograph (after cleaning off whatever place that was), searched for the camera, made sure it has working batteries, wrestled its sticky buttons into place, took pics, downloaded the pics to my ancient laptop (because this one doesn't recognize the camera), then found my flash drive so that I could put the pics on my flash drive, then transfer them to this laptop and uploaded them... it would be June by the time I finished. So I'll pass on this for now, but if I get inspired (or we get a new camera), I'll post a pic sometime in the future. Sorry!

Like the Bittersweet Girl, I don't know who out there does or doesn't journal, so I'm not tagging, but if you do keep a journal, I'd love to see your answers!

(Final aside: I actually hate "to journal" as a transitive verb. I know I've used it above, because "to keep/write in a journal" gets really cumbersome. But "journaling" always seemed like a weird word to use to describe what I did. I never think of it as a specific genre - I'm just writing. For me, in a place no one else will see. That's perhaps why I've never been behind any of the structured "journaling" exercises one can do. I write when I feel like it, whatever I feel like writing, and if I don't feel like it, I don't. No offense meant to anyone who does think of it as "journaling.")

Addendum to last post

I forgot to mention, in my last whiny post, the sort of split-personality feeling I sometimes have.

I posted before about the mock-interviewer who totally couldn't believe that I was his age and insisted I didn't look any older than the rest of the students. (I must have been especially well-rested that day!)

A judge I interviewed with made a similar (though not as emphatic) comment, about me not looking much older than the average student.

But I also bailiffed for a moot court competition on my campus, and the competing teams (not from my school), including other non-trads, were clearly startled to find out I was the bailiff (a law student job) rather than a judge (a job for practicing lawyers/judges/other eminences, like various legislators). (I'll grant you I had dressed nicely, to represent my school blah blah blah, but still.)

And one day, I was wearing my "X Law School Class of 2011" sweatshirt. (It is EXTREMELY comfortable.) I'm walking down the stairs in the library, and a woman (student) walking up the stairs sort of stopped, and looked at me, and said, "Are you...a STUDENT??"

There may have been some simple explanation for that comment, but all I could think was that she was so baffled to see me wearing "student" gear that she couldn't stop herself from saying something. (To which my response is kind of WTF?, but whatever.)

So age is an odd (and clearly relative) thing!

(And I really never can tell exactly how old my classmates are anyway - I kind of lump them together into "traditional (= way younger than me)" and "non-trad (= only slightly younger than me)," although I know that there is quite a bit more nuance to it than that!)

Imposter syndrome, redux

(I kind of wanted to call this post "Ain't I a student?", but decided that comparing my perspective to that of Sojourner Truth was, well, a little presumptuous!)

So. When you get into grad school and start working your way through the wacky world of academia, you are likely to fall prey to Imposter Syndrome, where (according to Wikipedia), "sufferers are unable to internalize their accomplishments." You don't think you can really be an academic - and eventually someone will find you out, recognize the fraudulence of your work, and throw you out of the academic Eden.

(I don't actually get the sense that law students suffer from this, by the way, but I'm prepared to be proven wrong on this one.)

Now that I'm in law school, I find myself facing a different kind of Imposter Syndrome: I don't think I'm really a student.

I mean, I am a student, obviously, because I don't know anything more about the law than any other students (probably less than many). But given my age, and my experience on the other side of the classroom, I don't feel like a "real" law student.

Real students are, if not straight from undergrad, in their early- to mid-twenties.
Real students don't see (at least some) things from the faculty's point of view.
Real students have a kind of "us" and "them" attitude to faculty and administration.
Real students stay on campus through the night to get their work done.
Real students want to go hang out at the bar at 10 o'clock at night, rather than go to bed at 10 o'clock.
Real students go on fun vacations over spring break.
Real students run, hike, ski, and mountain-climb (I'll grant you this one is location-specific.)
Real students still have a lot to learn about the professional world and working full-time (not that I don't still have things to learn, mind you!).

And it's not that because I'm not a "real" student, I'm somehow above the "real" students - instead, I'm below them. For instance, I find myself reluctant to speak up about things going on at the law school - student-y things - even ones with which I completely disagree - because my opinion isn't a "real" student opinion and I can't represent the "real" students. I don't like to talk much with other students about, say, job applications, because I don't want to sound like I'm telling them what to do (sure, I've applied for way more jobs, total, than many of my classmates - but not legal jobs). I don't like to ask about their social lives because I don't want to sound like I'm hanging around hinting for an invitation - because I'm not a "real" student and I don't want to presume to hang out with "real" students. (I very much like talking/hanging out with my classmates, I should add - I just don't want to be the hanger-on.)

What's especially stupid about all this is that I can't give you any evidence that anyone else actually feels this way or looks at me this way. I just expect them to, and treat myself accordingly.

I'm trying to stop doing this, but had to articulate it first to realize how much these assumptions shape what I'm doing.

Losing my religion profession

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while (though have had no time to post much of anything besides the video below - and seriously, if you're like me and don't usually watch YouTube videos because eh, watching videos on the computer was such a pain in the ass for so long that I got in the habit of clicking away, WATCH THAT VIDEO. It probably reveals my complete childishness, but it is. majorly. funny.), and was kind of inspired finally to get around to it by a visiting speaker on campus this week.

What I'm talking about is the transition back to being a student - which is, I'm sure, odd for anyone who goes back to school after working, but is arguably odder for someone who used to be at the front of the room.

When NLLDH went back to school, it was amusing to me to see how quickly he reverted to student-dom - for instance, fuming when professors took a while to return things (even though he, as a professor, knew all the reasons why profs can be slow to return things). And now I see this in myself.

There are many ways, I think, where I still retain a "professorial" point of view. I think I understand why some of our profs do things a little better than some of my classmates. Long-winded example: yesterday a friend of mine was complaining - very mildly - about profs giving us all this history of the law, and why do they waste our time with it, when it's no longer good law and it isn't going to help us in practice (said friend was a history minor, too, so isn't just anti-history). I pointed out that in some cases - like Property - it helps us understand why the system is the way it is today, because the current system doesn't always have a whole lot of logic, and it helps to know that there isn't any logic, that things are just like that because that's the way they were originally done. In the 13th/14th/15th century. Which my friend got, and acknowledged, but pointed out other examples of non-relevant-to-our-understanding history. I said I thought it was just that they wanted us to experience the study of the law as an intellectual endeavor, not just about practice. Which friend also got, and acknowledged. This isn't at all a criticism of friend - I think friend's comments were perfectly reasonable - but it made me realize that I can sometimes get the profs' motives in a way that isn't obvious to other students.(Not saying the profs are - or aren't - right, just that I get what they're doing.)

But I also feel like I've reverted almost entirely back to being a student, in that there are things that I do, because I'm a student, that I know are probably not in my best interest, that are the kinds of things that bothered me about student attitudes when I was a prof, and yet which I still find myself doing.

For instance, there's one class I don't always do the reading for, at least, not on time. Because this prof doesn't have an attendance/preparedness policy, so there will be no (immediate) negative consequences if I don't do the reading, and all the other professors do, and there will. So when time is short, and I have to cut something, I cut the work for this class. This reminds me of nothing as much as students saying to me, "I'm sorry I couldn't come to class, but I had to finish my biochem lab report." Granted, I do NOT say the equivalent to my prof, nor WOULD I ever say the equivalent to my prof. But not only do I not (always) get that reading done, I feel completely justifed in not doing it - because the prof doesn't make me.

(Don't worry, I also know that this will hurt me in the long run, and that if I don't make up all the reading and bust my ass teaching myself what I've missed, I'm screwed, and it will be my fault, not the professor's. But still. My attitude, it isn't always the best.)

Moreover, I'll find myself sitting in another class, talking to someone next to me about how I haven't done the reading for the above class, and realize that I'm having the kind of conversation that made me shake my head a little when I was a prof.

And there are other times when I know, in the abstract, what it would be best for me to do to succeed, but I nonetheless can't bring myself to do it.

Oh, and the thing about the visiting speaker - this person taught one of my classes, then later in the afternoon, gave a scholarly talk (which I attended because we got extra credit if we did. Yes, I am such a student). It was really funny, because I sat through the class like I sit through every class - as a student, there to learn something I don't already know. In a subject position, I guess you might say. And while the speaker was good and the material was interesting, it was after lunch and I was tired and I couldn't pay as close attention as I would have liked.

But the scholarly lecture was like every academic presentation I've heard in conferences or lecture series or so on. Also, it was historical, though completely out of my field. And BOOM, I was no longer a student - I listened to that talk as an academic, a scholar listening to another scholar. I was no longer in a subject position. I listened skeptically, considering myself in a position to judge. And I was also alert and attentive throughout the whole thing, and could give you a much better summary right now of the scholarly lecture than I could of the class material.

Anyway, I was surprised at how different my experience of the class was from my experience of the lecture, and it made me realize how much being a "student" is different from being a prof, and how impossible it is to retain the "prof" attitude from the position of a student.

Blame NLLDH for ruining your childhood memories

But this is one of the most hysterical things I've seen in a looooong time:

Plus ça change...

So, did any of you ever share this particular neurosis: when the phone rang in your home, even if (especially if?) you knew who was calling, you had to wait for the second or third ring before you picked it up, because you didn't want to look like you had nothing better to do than sit waiting by the phone?

I just realized that if I'm online when I get a Facebook friend request, I wait to respond, because I don't want to look I have nothing better to do than sit online waiting for people to friend me.

(Even though I do, of course, spend a LOT of time online...)

* * * * *
Oh, and thank you for your patience with my cryptic job-application angst posts. You will be spared any further ones - I have pinned down a summer internship. (Phew! No more applications to write!) The hard thing (and I realize I am very very lucky to be able to say this) was that I applied for a lot of things (after being in academia, I am conditioned to apply for ANYTHING) and ended up with a lot of interviews, and I had to make decisions about what to do this summer before I was able to go through them all. I am very vulnerable to "what if??"-itis and so it was amazingly difficult to accept that I had to let some opportunities go unexplored. (Again, effect of the academic market: I know some academics do find themselves in the position of having one offer in hand on which they have to decide before they'll hear from another place. But I was never in that position!)

But that doesn't matter now. Hooray!