Imposter syndrome, redux

(I kind of wanted to call this post "Ain't I a student?", but decided that comparing my perspective to that of Sojourner Truth was, well, a little presumptuous!)

So. When you get into grad school and start working your way through the wacky world of academia, you are likely to fall prey to Imposter Syndrome, where (according to Wikipedia), "sufferers are unable to internalize their accomplishments." You don't think you can really be an academic - and eventually someone will find you out, recognize the fraudulence of your work, and throw you out of the academic Eden.

(I don't actually get the sense that law students suffer from this, by the way, but I'm prepared to be proven wrong on this one.)

Now that I'm in law school, I find myself facing a different kind of Imposter Syndrome: I don't think I'm really a student.

I mean, I am a student, obviously, because I don't know anything more about the law than any other students (probably less than many). But given my age, and my experience on the other side of the classroom, I don't feel like a "real" law student.

Real students are, if not straight from undergrad, in their early- to mid-twenties.
Real students don't see (at least some) things from the faculty's point of view.
Real students have a kind of "us" and "them" attitude to faculty and administration.
Real students stay on campus through the night to get their work done.
Real students want to go hang out at the bar at 10 o'clock at night, rather than go to bed at 10 o'clock.
Real students go on fun vacations over spring break.
Real students run, hike, ski, and mountain-climb (I'll grant you this one is location-specific.)
Real students still have a lot to learn about the professional world and working full-time (not that I don't still have things to learn, mind you!).

And it's not that because I'm not a "real" student, I'm somehow above the "real" students - instead, I'm below them. For instance, I find myself reluctant to speak up about things going on at the law school - student-y things - even ones with which I completely disagree - because my opinion isn't a "real" student opinion and I can't represent the "real" students. I don't like to talk much with other students about, say, job applications, because I don't want to sound like I'm telling them what to do (sure, I've applied for way more jobs, total, than many of my classmates - but not legal jobs). I don't like to ask about their social lives because I don't want to sound like I'm hanging around hinting for an invitation - because I'm not a "real" student and I don't want to presume to hang out with "real" students. (I very much like talking/hanging out with my classmates, I should add - I just don't want to be the hanger-on.)

What's especially stupid about all this is that I can't give you any evidence that anyone else actually feels this way or looks at me this way. I just expect them to, and treat myself accordingly.

I'm trying to stop doing this, but had to articulate it first to realize how much these assumptions shape what I'm doing.

Comments

[Citronella]

I don't like hanging out late at night unless the circumstances are very special. I don't pull all nighters to finish school stuff. For Spring Break I'm going to a conference. And I hate skiing even more than mountain climbing.

So sometimes it feels like I'm not fitting very well with other students. (Even more so when I'm chatting with undergrads. Sometimes they make me feel like a sententious old fart. And I'm quite young to be in the fourth year of my PhD.)

But actually many of us don't fit very well with other students. One of the students in my lab is married, his wife is pregnant, and he works part-time in industry. Clearly not typical. We don't get to hang out much with him, but there's nothing awkward in him coming to some lab parties or hanging out after a lab meeting.

What I'm trying to say is, whatever. Some students might feel weird around you because you don't fit what they're used to, but mostly they don't mind or overcome it.

And asking things such as "did anything interesting this week-end?" is not hinting for an invitation!

[shell]

It's quite alright. Being a non-traditional student is a wonderful thing. Frankly, I'm glad to be over with the early-20's.

[Belle]

Oh boy, do I remember that feeling. I finished my PhD when I was 44 and had been in the Real World for 25 years. I'd look around at other grad students (from 1st term MA to ABDs) and think - crap, could I be more out of place?

Of course, once on faculty somewhere, the feeling remains. So many, many of my colleagues had PhD in hand before they were 30 and have only known academia that I'm astonished when they bitch and moan and dream of an easier (?!) career outside IRL. I've had many, many jobs, and this one? Easily the best, most rewarding and most secure. (Touch wood).

[Almost a Law Student]

I was just wondering about the same thing the other day as I prepare to enter a trial admissions program at my choice law school. I've been teaching at a high school for several years and am an adjunct at a local college so I'm not sure if I'm going to "fit in" even though my age (27) is closer to theirs.

[New Kid on the Hallway]

Almost a Law Student - I certainly didn't mean to suggest that non-trad students don't or can't fit in! I realized that I'm not sure any of my classmates see things at all the way that I do - that I was letting *my own* assumptions about trad/non-trad-ness shape the way I presented myself, not that anyone else was treating me like this! I will say that I think at least as many students at my school have taken time off as have gone straight through - if not more - even if for many of them it's just a year or two. And there are definitely other teachers here.

I think perhaps at times I overestimate how much everyone else feels like they DO fit in. ;-)

Belle - I think my equivalent is when students here complain about having to work over the summer rather than taking the summer off. Granted, academics don't (all) have to teach over the summer, and summer schedules are more relaxed, but my reaction is, You want summer off? What??

Shell - I agree that I definitely am so glad not to be early-twenties! No desire to go back. And I think my experience makes me a much better student/job candidate. But it was still funny to realize how much I was labeling myself!

Citronella - I totally get your point. I also think that law school is more homogeneous than grad school (at least this has been my experience), and the first year of law school throws students together way more than grad school does. (You take ALL THE SAME classes, have ALL THE SAME assignments - it really does feel like high school!) So I think that exacerbates the feeling-out-of-it mentality, because everything is so herd-like to begin with. But I get what you mean.

[Almost a Law Student]

I definitely know what you mean. I think I get myself worked up about it because I'm nervous that people will see me and think "oh weird, she's a teacher?!" and I know when I was in graduate school I definitely found myself being more tolerant when a prof took longer to hand something back because I know all of the factors that play into actually grading assignments! On the other hand, this made me quick to be judgmental sometimes because I knew how easy it was to prepare for certain subjects, especially the one I taught - lol! I really enjoy your blog. :)

[Heather Hope]

I guess I'm only half-a-real-student, based on your list! I really enjoy being a non-traditional-aged student. I feel that sometimes, the common-sense, real-world applications of what's going on are missed by some people, and that's to my advantage.

It is hard, sure, but I would much rather be an early-30s law suit with perspective than a 22 year-old, straight out of college, never worked in a professional field student. Really. Any day :)

[New Kid on the Hallway]

Thanks, Almost a Law Student!

And Heather, I do completely agree - I'm SO glad I'm doing this now, not straight out of undergrad. I think I'm getting WAY more out of than I otherwise would. And on the one hand, I don't really care about not "fitting in." On the other hand, this is one of the first times in my life that I haven't "fit in," that I've been the oddball rather than the norm, and I was surprised that it affected me as much as it does. (Unconsciously, that is. Consciously, I don't give a rat's ass.)