Okay, so I'm in the hell of job searching (I say "hell" mostly because I have no idea what I'm doing), and I was looking up a judge who may or may not want summer interns, and came across the following (names changed, of course):
FOR THE DISTRICT OF [other state],
[a whole lot of judges and counties and stuff],
Motion for Emergency Hearing
Plaintiff, [John Doe], pro se by Necessity, hereby moves the Honorable Court to Grant an Emergency hearing to request a temporary Injunction against above Named Defendants, and as grounds therefore states as follows:
01.) Plaintiff has been unlawfully persecuted and maliciously prosecuted, held without arraignment for over 11 months on excessive bail, subjected to solitary confinement for over 5 months, jailed without charges, imprisoned without due process or bail, threatened, assaulted, harassed and menaced with deadly weapons by [state name] STATE and FEDERAL Agents based upon their characterization of Plaintiff as a "patriot."
02.) Plaintiff has been unlawfully persecuted by [state name] STATE Agents based upon their characterization of Plaintiff as a "Christian Constitutionalist."
03.) Plaintiff has been unlawfully persecuted by [state name] STATE Agents based upon their characterization of Plaintiff as a "Criminal Constitutional Extremist."
04.) Plaintiff has been unlawfully persecuted by [state name] STATE Agents based upon their characterization of Plaintiff as a "Martial Arts Expert."
05.) Such characterizations establish an invidious discriminatory animus against Plaintiff that is not only erroneous, but has lead to Plaintiffs potentially murderous assault by Three S.W.A.T. Teams, imprisonment in X County Jail for almost two years on false, fabricated charges, imprisonment in Y without charges, unlawful extradition and the continuing persecution and prosecution of Plaintiff based upon acts committed solely by [another guy], Esquire while acting in the capacity of "Defense Attorney" paid by the STATE.
06.) It is the official opinion of legal experts and private investigators that [state name] STATE AGENTS are actively attempting to murder Plaintiff.
07.) It is a matter of official court records that [state name] STATE AGENTS named as Defendants in this Constitutional Controversy are attempting to unlawfully imprison Plaintiff in the STATE OF [state name].
08.) Defendant [state name] STATE Actors and their conspiratorial aide, Defendant Z are presently actively endeavoring to lure Plaintiff back into the STATE OF [state name] in order to consummate their evil intentions.
09.) Defendant [state name] STATE Judge Q has ordered Plaintiff to travel in interstate commerce from the State of [another state] to the STATE OF [state name] for a "review" in order to provide opportunity for [state name] STATE Defendants A, B and C to consummate their conspiratorially agreed upon plan to murder or incarcerate Plaintiff.
10.) Plaintiff is in credible, well-documented and verified fear of death or imprisonment.
11.) Plaintiff appeals for Political Asylum within the State of [another state].
12.) Case #------ has been appealed. Defendant [state name] STATE Judge Q does not have jurisdiction of the connected case [number] forming the foundation of the current Constitutional Controversy before this Honorable Court. Judge Q has exhibited a flagrant disregard for the rule of law and Constitutional safeguards and cannot be relied upon to act with any modicum of judicial probity or integrity. Based upon her official record in case [number], Judge Q is most assuredly preparing to act outside of the law and her official power in order to aide and abet STATE DEFENDANT'S plan to murder or imprison Plaintiff so as to prevent this Constitutional Controversy from proceeding to a judicial conclusion.
13.) Defendant [state name] STATE Actors have utilized this exact same tactic many times in the past in order to unlawfully arrest or imprison Plaintiff without cause so that Connected Cases in the --th Federal District could not be prosecuted by Plaintiff.
14.) Today, at 1300 hours, Defendant [state name] Judge Q intends to steal $10,000 from Plaintiff in the form of Bond Revocation and attempt to murder Plaintiff by issuing a nation-wide Fugitive Arrest Warrant for Plaintiff with the caveat that Plaintiff is a "danger to police" whereby it can reasonably be predicted that Extreme Prejudice and Deadly Force will be authorized to create a lifeless corpse of Plaintiff in order to conceal and cover-up the criminal acts of [state name] STATE Defendants and limit the liability of the STATE OF [state name] relative to the charges contained within this action, other litigation pending, and potential [state name] STATE liability not yet revealed.
Wherefore, Plaintiff requests that the Honorable Court grant Asylum within the State of [other state] and an Immediate Emergency Temporary Injunction against the Defendant STATE OF [state name] and all political sub-divisions constraining all named Defendants from luring Plaintiff within the Boundaries of the STATE OF [state name] by threat of revocation of Bond, Issuance of Bench Warrants or any other act or actions that could be utilized to force Plaintiff to leave his Residence in [other state] and journey into hostile Enemy Territory where Plaintiffs Life, Liberty and Property are all in imminent danger and at deathly risk.
Plaintiff also moves the Honorable Court to restrict and prohibit all [state name] STATE and FEDERAL AGENTS, including Agents of the Multi-Jurisdictional JOINT TERRORISM TASK FORCE, operating in collusion and conspiracy with [state name] STATE Defendants in the State of [other state] from murdering, harassing, threatening, menacing, arresting or otherwise or causing physical or economic damages to Plaintiff within the State of [other state]. Plaintiff further requests that the Honorable Court set a date for a hearing in order to make such Injunction Permanent.
Who knew being a "Martial Arts Expert" was so politically risky???
(I mean, this guy may have some legitimate grievances, I have no idea. But...wow. Can you say conspiracy theory?)