I'm going to whine - you have been warned

And I feel very weird bringing this up, because by doing so, I feel like all the students that I and my former colleagues and many of my bloggy peeps have bemoaned since the day we started teaching - because I'm going to whine about grades. Feel free to click away now.

[crickets...]

[crickets...]

Okay, still here?

So, grades. Yuck.

I'm not claiming that they're unfair, mind you - given that in law school you receive almost no feedback on anything you do over the semester, I have no evidence at all that they're unfair. In fact, they may well be generous - who knows? They are what they are, delivered one-by-one from on high into the ether of my on-line student account.

No, I just wish they'd been higher. Not that they're bad, but I would have liked them to be better. Okay, strictly speaking, I'm happy with 2 of them, I would have liked one to be higher but it's fine, and I'm not super-thrilled with one of them (especially since it was for a 4-credit class). So, honestly, not that much to complain about - but still, I kinda wish the average were higher.¹

Well, and I also wish they'd shown up in reverse order; I started at a high point, then each subsequent grade was a little worse than the last. Since I really didn't have any expectations when I got the first grade - really, I had no idea how I'd done - if I'd got the worst first, I'd have been relieved to do fine, and then I could have got a little happier with each one. Instead, I got the best first, got my hopes up, and have watched each one decline a little bit more, which (for no good reason) makes me feel like I've deteriorated. (I know, dumb, isn't it?) Plus, I'm now convinced that my last grade is doomed to continue the trend and be even lower.

My Legal Writing prof made a little speech, the first time he handed back a graded assignment, about how we are not our grades, and how people with some life experience tend to be better about understanding that than students straight out of school (not sure why he told us that last, but whatever). This may well be true; I have dealt with many more dispiriting things than getting lower-than-I'd-hoped grades, and I know that in the long run they're not that big a deal. (Plus, I have five more semesters to ruin improve my GPA further, and historically, I've always had an upward trend in grades.)

But I think what is hard for the returning student - especially someone who's left a previous career - is that it's really easy to look to grades for validation that you made the right decision in choosing to go to law school. I mean, I tend to feel like I had to leave academia, not like I was really giving something up to do law school, but technically, I could have continued in the job I had for at least one more year, I could probably have put together more teaching in the area, and I could probably have worked out something else to do. I didn't actually have to go to law school. But I chose to give up an income and take on more debt, and on some level, I think, I look for evidence that this was the right choice to make. A really good GPA would say Yes! You were right to do this! You belong here!²

I also have to confess that the law school curve brings out the envious, competitive side of me, and when I look at my grade, I know that it means X number of students scored higher than I did.³ Now I want to know WHO THOSE PEOPLE ARE, so I can be sure they DESERVED THOSE GRADES.

Isn't that lame? And judgmental, and nasty, and petty? But it's how I feel. There are plenty of people for whom it wouldn't bother me at all if they did better than I. And then there are some - well, I'm going to be honest and say that yes, it would bother me if they did better than I did. (In case you're wondering, it's not to do with age - there are any number of straight-out-of-college people likely to have earned higher grades than I did, who I consider to merit those grades. It's more about attitude. I tend to get ticked off if someone whom I consider a slacker does better than me.)⁴

Finally, one last piece of evidence of how lame I am: the lowest grade was for the professor I'm going to work for this semester, and I'm convinced she's going to regret the decision to hire me and hate me and think I'm a loser and all kinds of good stuff like that. I read her latest e-mail with trepidation, convinced it was more abrupt than usual and that she was cursing herself for hiring a student before seeing their first semester grades. Thing is, this may well be more about me than about her, since although this woman has never been anything but nice and encouraging to me, when I see her name in my inbox, I feel an echo of the dread which I came to associate with my grad advisor's messages. Despite the fact that this professor is not any kind of official advisor to me. And that I am a grown woman who finished grad school seven years ago.

So, yeah, I'm kind of a freak, and grades are stupid, and definitely exacerbate my freakdom. Can't we get rid of them? Why did I decide to go back to school again?⁵

    

    

¹ There's still one to come, but it's for a 2-credit class, and it's not likely to change the overall average vastly.

² My GPA doesn't say, You idiot, you were wrong, you don't belong here!!!! It just says, Eh.

³ This was so not the case in any other of my educational experiences - if you got something less than a straight A, it was a pretty good bet that someone else did get a higher grade than you, but beyond that, anything went. You weren't burdened with the knowledge that there were mathematical calculations undertaken somewhere by someone that determined exactly how many people were above/below you; everyone could get As or no one could get As. I know classes tend to fall in a bell curve, but profs, haven't you had those really weird grade distributions in the past, like 12 As, 2 Bs, 3 C, and an F? Or reversed?

⁴ Although now I'm thinking of one of the notorious slackers, who seemed (to me anyway) to be taking the "I don't have to worry about performance in class/daily assignments, I just need to start studying for the exam from day 1, and I can get all I need from the supplements, not class" route, and honestly, if he did better than me - which he may well have - I'd just have to laugh. Because it would just show how silly this all is.

⁵ And yes, in a fit of nostalgia for the humanities, I decided to figure out how to put footnotes on my blog. Because it's not like I have a gazillion other better things to do. Like I said: freak.

Comments

[Bardiac]

Your footnote number five just cracked me up. :)

I went to undergrad as a science major, at a school that was very intent on weeding out vet and med school wannabees, so everything in the first few years was curved. Painful!

/comfort.

[the exit]

don't worry you are not alone in your bitterness. I say feel the angst, embrace the angst, be the angst. Seriously, I feel sick every time I think of grades.

[person]

Honestly- as somebody whose done grad school and law school, I think that part of it is that the exams at law school ARE a crock of @#$@$. I don't mean that they don't reflect how you did on the exam, so that they are completely random. I mean......one test? one day? random elements of the many many many things you learned? no class participation? no other means of demonstrating knowledge? really? And I deride this system as somebody who has done quite well on it in law school.

[Seeking Solace]

OK, as someone who has dealt with the harshness of law school grading, let me provide some perspective.

My first semester was good, not great, but good, jest like you wrote. it did get better, I did not have the "stellar" grades in law school; I rode the B train out of there! But, I had to work during that time. In fact, I worked two jobs during my third year. I guess I could have done extremely well had I not had other obligations, but the truth is, what I learned was much more important. For example, one of my favorite professors and courses was Criminal Procedure. It was also one of the hardest. Well, when I saw the grade distribution, back in the day when grades were posted, I was on my knees thanking the powers that be for my B-. So many people failed that class. But, I learned so much more. I know my Crim Pro inside-out and backwards.

You have to remember that you are entering a different world with different style and different expectations. It is an adjustment for those of us who don't have a pre-law background. It sucks that you don't get much feedback during the semester. I always vowed that if I were to teach law school, I would so give many chances for feedback.

Also, you have plenty of time to make up for your first semester. After your first year, most schools allow you to choose your own path. You will feel more comfortable.

Honestly, it does not sound that bad. And I don't think that professor will think any less of you. She sees something in you, potential.

One of the things that helped me in law school was to discuss my exams with my professor. Some are very open to that. You can get a feel for what they were looking for and how to correct any issues you may have.

Sorry for hijacking the comments. Please email me if you like.

[Bright Star (B*)]

I really don't like giving grades at the graduate level at all. I wish I could just give qualitative feedback.

It's an interesting point that returning students may look to grades as something of a sign for hope of validation. I think talking with faculty one-on-one was always a better measure of that for me when I was wondering about whether I belonged in my doctoral program. (I returned to college for grad school after time in a career.)

Hang in there! I'm sure you're learning a lot. I agree that the way people are assessed in law school seems wacky.

[squadratomagico]

I've never been graded on a curve, but perhaps you should reverse your vision: think of all the people behind you on the curve, rather than the ones ahead of you. I know I've never been "head of the class" in any educational context -- you probably are doing better than you think you are, and just aren't used to framing your grade experience in this way.

[What Now?]

I've got nothing helpful on the grades -- although I'm fundamentally opposed to grading on a curve -- but I want you to know that my immediate thought as I started reading your post was, "NK is so cool -- she figured out footnotes!"

[Janice]

I love the footnotes!

As for the law school marks, well, I can commiserate. I swore, after finishing my Ph.D., that I'd never take another academic course for credit and marks. (I do plan to do Greek and Hebrew when I retire, but I'm going to audit those courses!) Grading is brutal on the ego, I know.

[Rokeya]

I have no experience with law school, so I have no useful advice, either. But I do want to say that it makes so much sense to me that you're experiencing these feelings. I remember feeling the same way when I moved all the way across the country, away from everyone I knew and loved, to begin a Ph.D. program in a city in which I knew no one and which I'd never even seen until I moved there. I looked to my accomplishments to validate my decision, and bemoaned my decision when I floundered as new grad students do. Your feelings are *totally* understandable.

At the same time, I remember that part of doing well in grad school was learning how to play the game. It ultimately wasn't about how hard I worked, how smart I was, or even how much potential I had...because I had all those things down pat. It was about how I asked questions, how I presented myself, how I took on various tasks, how I articulated whatever information I was being "evaluated" on in seminars...and while I know law school is very, very different (exams, etc), from your own posts here about those supplemental guides, etc, it really seems like so much of this is about learning how the game is played, and then playing it well. So in many ways this is about catching on to playing the law school game--a different genre of learning and being evaluated--much more than it is about *you*.

You made a bold choice to do something amazing with your interests and ideas. You are going to blast past every single setback, learn to play the game, and do something with your life that energizes you and about which you can be passionate. Much love and support your way!

[Sarah]

There's nothing unreasonable about getting worked up about law school grades given how important they are to determining future employment.

[Amy]

I get the grade thing.

I had a student this past semester who didn't hit "save" when he took the last on-line essay test, so I gave him a zero for the blank box. He was a straight A student, and I expected to quickly hear from him about some glitch but he was silent. *After* I turned in grades he emailed me shocked at the zero... so I told him he could retake the essay test b/c I believed he had indeed just forgotten to hit "save". But then he saw that his final grade was a B... and despite all of his hard work and his very high A if indeed the final result of the retaken Essay Test were to be in line with his previous work, he said he was fine with the B because he's already graduated and just needed the credit for the class not the grade for his GPA. And I was SHOCKED b/c I would never have walked away from an A. Even if I had already graduated. Even it it didn't matter.

[Another Damned Medievalist]

What everybody said, and also you need to send me the link to where you figured out about the footnotes (or I suppose I could hit View Source, but why work if I can get you to do it?)!

Seriously, if it's graded on a curve, and it means that much, do the math and figure out how many people got better grades and worse grades. You're probably up pretty high. But seriously, I don't think you need to worry about it. It's a different system and skillset is all. And you know, you can always go and talk to the professors, especially future boss. I hear that professors like it when students come to office hours and ask about ways to do better...

[ceresina]

I think everyone else has said very useful things w/r/t grades, so I'll just add:

I don't think your complaints about grades are anything remotely like what blogging professors usually bewail. You're being graded on a curve -- how well you do is inextricably tied to how well others do, not just how well you do on your own. (That is, unlike most blogging professors, your grade isn't the grade you earned, it's the grade you earned with this group of people). Also, it's not like you're going to your professors; most blogging professors tend to write about the students who come to them with unreasonable demands.

So I say -- don't feel weird, blog away!

[small town prof]

Just pass the bar ... just pass the bar ... just pass the bar ...

[New Kid on the Hallway]

Thanks for the sympathy, everyone!

I'm not really looking for advice on what I should be doing to do better - I have some clear ideas about that (some are things I could have done this term, but it's hard to do certain things until you know you need to do them, you know? Now that I know what my current study methods get me, I know more what I need to change). This is more just emotionally processing getting the grades.

It's funny, too, because the grades I've got actually aren't that far off the grades I typically got in undergrad. I like squadrato's comment about not being "the head of the class," because I NEVER was the head of the class.

In high school, I was happy to get my 94s with minimal study, rather than put in the extra 3 hours of study to get 99 - I mean, they were both As! (I should add that the specific classmates I'm thinking of who put in the extra 3 hours both went to Harvard for undergrad and then went on to get PhDs in computer science and something to do with molecular biology. My high school was like that). Then when I got to college, I had the experience that most law school guides warn incoming law students about: used to being (one of) the smart one(s), I got there and EVERYONE was smart. (So law school isn't a shock in that respect!) I NEVER got all As in undergrad. A bunch of A-s and B+s, pretty much, with the occasional A. And in grad school, I know the accepted wisdom is that students pretty much get all As, but I was one of the ones that got a B once. (My school didn't give pluses or minuses at that point, so the B was, I think, a B+ - but conversely, some of my As may have been A-s.)

So I mean, it's not like my grades now are all that shocking. It's just that there was the hope that all the additional post-undergrad education I've had would magically result in all As. As a prof, you get used to being the most knowledgable one in the classroom!

(And small town prof: I know, I know! That's my hope... just can't do much about it for another couple of years. ;-D)

Oh, footnotes! Glad you all liked them. ;-) I used the code here, except that instead of "id394062" you put in the footnote number, and ditto for the asterisk. And I omitted the square brackets. If that doesn't make sense, my page source is probably a better resource.

[revdrmom]

When I went back to seminary, everyone was like, "oh, grades don't matter, blah blah blah" but you know what? They still did, and I expect that I would feel very much like you feel if I were in your shoes.

And I admire the footnotes!

[abby]

Re: the future solicitor general:

"According to Kagan's transcript, in her first semester at the law school in 1984 she got a B- in torts and a B in criminal law. Her mark in Legal Methods is listed as "Cr." and there's a dash in the column that lists how many credits she received. She recovered in the spring semester, getting all A's except for one A-."

http://legaltimes.typepad.com/blt/2009/01/the-kagan-file.html

Of course, Kagan ended up a Supreme Court clerk and dean of HLS.

So-so 1L grades are definitely not the end of your legal career. Talk to profs and figure out what you can improve on. Taking law school exams is a skill that can be honed like any other, but it takes practice. My law school grades improved a lot over time (I was a science major and not used to essay exams that determine your entire grade).

Obsessing over which peers did better is human but definitely counterproductive. Try to focus your energy on yourself (I know, much easier said than done!). There will always be some annoying slackers who do insanely well, but for the most part, at least at my school, the ones at the top worked really hard to get there.

Hang in there!