Drowning in conference paper, please send chocolate

A bit like Dr. Virago, I have reached the point in writing my Kalamazoo paper when I am convinced that everything I have to say is dumb - and not just obscure dumb, but the most glaringly obvious of dumb. (She just said dumb, I'm adding the glaringly obvious bit about me, not her.)

It doesn't help that I'm reworking something from my dissertation (a piece that was jettisoned for the book version, so I really haven't looked at this in six years or so), which means it's something that I used to know really well, and probably spent a ton of time on figuring out back in 2001, and now that I'm "rediscovering" it, I keep rewriting it and then realizing I've just figured out exactly what it says in the dissertation in the first place. I should just give up and read the bits straight out of the dissertation chapter. Well, no, I shouldn't, because the central argument of the diss chapter was different from the central argument for this paper. My cunning plan is just to insert the key word from my new argument at the beginning of each dissertation paragraph and hope that will tie everything together. (Okay, not really, but that's what it feels like sometimes.)

The other problem is that I think I have about 5000 words for a 15-minute paper. Some of those words are footnotes, but what I think this really shows is that I write papers the way I teach - I panic about not having enough to say and so pile in everything, then take a closer look (the night before the conference, or 15 minutes into class) and think, "Damn, there's no way I'm covering all that." It's better than the other way around, but I think come Wednesday night I'm going to be going through my paper copy crossing out line after line. (But then, it would be a shame to break with tradition now.)

I find myself ambivalent about this paper - on the one hand, this is my last Kalamazoo, and I'd like it to end on a high note, with a paper of which I can be proud. On the other hand, this is my last Kalamazoo, and it's not likely that anything I do there is going to have any significance in my new career, so it's hard to muster a huge amount of academic enthusiasm (though I am enthusiastic about what I think of a nerdy vacation). I think in this respect it helps that this is from my dissertation, so it's a topic I've already really moved past, rather than being something new - if it required me to do entirely new research rather than revisit something I've already worked through, I think I'd resent putting in the work. As it is, the paper's a pleasant mental exercise, but not grueling labor.

I also feel like I've come full circle with this paper, because come Thursday I will find myself the only historian presenting in a panel of literature scholars. Because of some elements of my dissertation topic, this happened to me a lot in grad school and soon after finishing. The revision of the dissertation into the book project moved me into much more traditionally historical waters, but my first publication saw my wee little historical essay floating all by its lonesome in a pool of literary essays (which I know baffled some readers - the reviewers commented on the lack of "theory" in my essay). It's fun to be the lone historian - you don't have to live up to the same expectations as the literary people, but there aren't other historians around to criticize what you're doing!

Anyway, on top of the paper, I have a stack of exams to grade, and I also need to get chocolate groceries, so I should toodle off. I may not be posting much until after the paper's done (although the stating of such is usually guaranteed to produce 2-3 posts a day), so if not, see you towards the end of the week!

Comments

[meg]

I say phone it in. Use the time and energy on something that makes you feel better, not worse.

If it's too long, I'll help you edit it down on thursday.

[meg]

Friday, I mean. Sabbatical has scrod with my grasp of time.

[Janice]

Hey, I'm returning to something from my dissertation, more properly one of those "hey, this is interesting but not germane" tidbits that occurred to me in 1990 as I wrote the damned thing.

But I really should move on from the skeleton outline that I currently have to the polished final draft. Say, oh, by Tuesday at the latest, no?

Also out of chocolate here. Damn.

[Notorious Ph.D]

Ummm... My paper? The central idea fell apart when I finally set out to research it. So I'm pulling it from a chapter I just finished, and shoehorning it into the new topic. I am embarrassed. Luckily, I have the 10:30 Sunday slot, so no one will be there to hear the suck.