What to do

Career-wise, the question I now have to answer for myself is: do I want to try to scrounge teaching opportunities in this general neck of the woods, and keep doing what I've been doing, possibly/probably going on the market again next year, or do I want to try something completely different? I don't know how well the former would work, but of course, I don't know that it wouldn't work, either. But do I want to do it?

The thing is, when I think about what I'd miss if I left academia, right now, I do not think of teaching. Perhaps this is partly because I've been teaching full-time since 1999 without a real sabbatical. Perhaps this is because I'm a vile, selfish person. But while I do like teaching, and I consider it crucially important, when I think about what I'd miss (and what I miss right now, dammit, given that I've spent my entire fall applying for things), I think of writing.

This is all the more ironic given that in my career, as I will be the first to acknowledge, I haven't exactly set the research world on fire with my writing. I've given a whole slew of conference papers, but I haven't been all that successful in transforming them into publications. I do have a ton of pages written on my book project, but they're not suitable for public viewing just yet.

(An aside: thinking about the tenure track and evaluations and whatnot, what I found frustrating about trying to write a book - at least, from my position, which was one of doing a whole new project's worth of research, not just revising something that was already written - is that it takes up a whole lot of time in which it's hard to show that you've accomplished anything. At least, if you're me, and write in a completely messy fashion in which you spew things onto the page and have to spend a lot of time cleaning them up, it's hard to show people what you've been doing in a way that counts towards career success. Come annual review time, you can't say: look, I read this stack of books! I transcribed all these documents! and hope to be rewarded. And I at least don't write a book in tidy manageable chunks that can be published separately or distributed to prove to people that I'd written something. I guess that this is kind of what a book proposal is for - to show that you actually have a book in there somewhere. I never did quite figure out when was the appropriate point at which to write the darn thing or how best to go about that. Okay, I just suck. Moving on!)

So, yeah, in my academic so-called career, I have not churned out the pages or made a significant name for myself, research-wise, so it's a little ironic to say that what I'd miss is the research. It may be that I'm simply deluding myself, that at the moment I think I'm missing the research because it's what I'm not doing and the grass is always greener, and that if I really were someone who cares about research in the way that I think I do, I'd have found a way to accomplish more of it than I have by this point. Which is entirely possible.

But you know, way back when, at the dawn of the tenth decade of the twentieth century, when this little New Kid was figuring out what she wanted to do with her life, I chose to graduate school because I wanted to write and do research, NOT because I wanted to teach. If I can be blunt, I had no interest in teaching at all. (I am not an altruistic person.) I spent much of my senior year in college writing an honors thesis, and I loved it. I wanted to keep doing that.

Yet somewhere along the way I turned into a teaching-school person. (How that happened is a whole other post.)

I'm not going to say now that I'm not a teaching-school person. I think teaching is probably more important than research, in the grand scheme of life (at least, if you're a medievalist. I think all research is important, that a society flourishes best when it encourages exploration into all kinds of different intellectual arenas, and that the humanities as a whole are crucial to a healthy society. That being said, I also believe that my teaching has a greater direct impact on society than my research does - though of course my research does directly influence my teaching - and that this may not be the case if, say, you're researching a cure for cancer), and I suspect that says something about where, at heart, my professional inclinations lie.

But I also think there's a difference between what I consider important, and what I enjoy doing. I enjoy writing. I don't do it as much as you would expect for someone who enjoys it (unless you count blogging, of course!), it's not always pleasurable, it can be painful, exhausting, humbling, infuriating, and depressing. It can be sheer drudgery. But when it works, it's like nothing else in the world. It takes me out of myself in a way that nothing else does, and transports me to somewhere else entirely. The walls could fall down around me and I'd just keep working. I enjoy spending time in the archives - sure, by the end of some days I never want to see another document again, but by the next morning I'm ready to go again. I enjoy conferences - not just the socializing, which is a given, but the actual panels and papers. (Okay, not all papers, but you know what I mean.)

I don't enjoy teaching in the same way. There are lots of things I do enjoy about teaching, and because I consider teaching so important, I find immense satisfaction in its successes. Conversely, its failures are that much more frustrating. And when I stop and think about it, a lot of the things I enjoy most about teaching are not the interacting-with-students bits, but the writing and reading bits: I love writing syllabi - figuring out an approach to a subject, and wrestling all the puzzle pieces of readings, writing assignments, exams, classroom activities, and so on, into a coherent whole. (Sadly, the whole doesn't always turn out to be as coherent as I hoped, but that's another issue.) I probably enjoy planning classes more than I enjoy undertaking them. This is not to say that I don't enjoy the in-class time, but I don't always enjoy it as much as the other stuff. (Maybe this is because the in-class time reveals the weakness of my work!) It's not that I don't like my students, but I'm a die-hard introvert, and I find the actual practice of teaching exhausting. Seeing them succeed is wonderful. But seeing them fail is dreadful. And they are, in the end, students, not my friends, and time spent with them is work. Often good work, but work nonetheless.

Given all this, the prospect of putting together teaching from various places in the area - if even feasible - is a little depressing. Partly this is because of the insecurity and penury usually associated with life off the tenure track - running down courses each year/semester sounds exhausting (I know many of you out there do this. I salute you. You are better people than I.) But mostly it's because cobbling together a teaching load would net me work filled primarily with the bits of academia I don't enjoy as much, and lacking many opportunities to do the bits I enjoy most. I know there are wonderful talented people out there who can put together the courses and still manage to write and research. Given my record even with the supports of the tenure track, I'm not sure I'd be one of them.

This doesn't mean I won't go the adjunct route locally - it's still a possibility. And you know, employment is employment, and it's not that adjunct work is beneath me or anything. Just that at the moment, I wonder if looking for some other kind of career entirely, one that entails more of the research and writing (even if a different context) might not be the way to go.

Comments

[happenstance]

Delurking to say that if you *know* what you want to write then I believe you should.

Your soul yearns for it. Give yourself a chance

Couragio Signora

[happenstance]

Delurking to say that if you *know* what you want to write then I believe you should.

Your soul yearns for it. Give yourself a chance

Couragio Signora

[Weezy]

I turned down an chance to be an archivist at one point and really regret that... have you thought about that direction or maybe research librarian? I know that with your scholarly focus it is a bit of a stretch, but just my two cents.

Hang in there and just keep thinking broadly and keep your eyes on what is important to you :)

[phd me]

If you love to write, by all means, write! I think it's wonderful that you know what you enjoy about this work, that you can name what makes you smile. Wouldn't it be interesting to see what developed if you pursued what you loved?

[maggiemay]

I was going to suggest the library route as well. I know a number of librarians who just love their work, and they write for, uh, library-type publications, and work with books and writers all day. Doesn't sound like bad work if you can get it :)

[Shane in Utah]

My advice, NK, would be to try to get a fellowship or grant of some kind that would give you a semester or two just to write. My first job was at an institution with a 4/4 teaching load, and between that and my miserable depression at hating the job and the location, I was hardly able to write or publish anything while I was there. Then, by some miracle, I was able to get a year-long fellowship (in the country where my research is focused, no less), which allowed me to spend 12 months doing nothing but reading and writing. As a result, I became much more productive, and I was able to use that productivity and the prestige of the fellowship to trade up to a much better job that also allowed me more time to focus on the research (and the teaching!). You might look into research centers like the NHC, the Tanner Humanities Center at the University of Utah, and the similar humanities center at Oregon.

But yeah, I know, easier said than done. The problem with the whole fellowship thing, especially in the humanities, is that the rich get richer and the poor get shafted: if you have a proven track record, it's easier to get future fellowships that will allow you to continue to build your research profile, whereas if you haven't published very much, you're stuck in a catch-22 where no one will give you the chance to prove yourself. Plus, applying for a fellowship is more time-consuming than applying for a TT job, and if it doesn't pay off, you have nothing to show for all that time spent. So, caveat emptor.

Still, if it DOES pay off, the payoff is huge. I hope this doesn't come across as gloating; rather, it's meant as a stop-and-smell-the-roses moment for me: I love my job. I love the research AND the teaching. I even like some of the service work, at least the part that lets me interact with students one-on-one and make curriculum decisions that affect future students' educational experience. It sounds like you've got the bug, too; I'd like to tell you to stick it out a few more years...

[Sisyphus]

I hear ya, I hear ya ---- about the whole thing: what should I do? Where should I go? What happens next?

And I write in exactly the same fashion too --- which is why conferences are so useful (except not useful from a tenure-track evaluation standpoint, I guess): conferences give you deadlines and make you bite off just enough to write something up and present it and it feels like you can cross something off at the end. I have lots of conference crap on my cv --- I'll have to make sure to not let them take over my publishing time schedule.

That is, if I don't chuck it all up and become a yak herder.

[PhilosopherP]

I've been contemplating the same kind of change... in fact, I do it every time I leave Red State. There is some silly statistic that says we'll have an average of 5 careers -- on that measure, you may be behind :).

[historyprof]

Just take a year off and write. Try again for a FT/TT job for fall of 09.

[timna]

uhm, you do write.
consistently. thoughtfully. compelling prose.
I guess you just have to figure out how to make that work for you in a way that will fill your soul (and the employment thing).

[Wol]

I went through this same thing. I don't really like to teach...at least not as much as I would be expected to. Take a year off, if you can. Try for a grant that would let you stay home and write. Or work part-time as a tutor or librarian and write. The year I did this resulted in two major articles and a bunch of other good, solid stuff.

Good luck!

[squadratomagico]

I knew someone who, for somewhat similar reasons, ended up leaving academia and having to re-think his career trajectory. His wife had scored an Ivy job, they had a kid & they wanted one household, and he wasn't getting interviews that would work for them. But he wanted to be in a non-heavily-commercial field that also made use of his degree in some way. He ended up being an editor at a university press, and now, years later, he absolutely adores it. I suppose it's not primarily writing, but it does mean being involved in the research and publishing world, keeping up with, evaluating, and helping to polish up, works in fields you know.

[Jackie]

Delurking to say that I struggle with this as well. I have been teaching for the past six years, always part-time or adjunct, and my dilemma right now is whether I should try to focus on the turning my current part-time teaching job into a full-time job (teaching English at an all-girls high school) or try and go back to academia and focus on a doctorate and all that means.

Do I love teaching to the point of giving up writing? I can't see myself ever giving up writing, and I haven't, I've been writing this entire time, but if I love it the way I love teaching, shouldn't I try and have a job that combines both of those pursuits? Or should I try to be as practical as possible?

Tough, tough, tough.

[Laura]

You know I hear you. I didn't have nearly as much success as you've had in terms of academic jobs. But I've gone back and forth on the faculty vs. non-faculty jobs for a couple of years. I think I'm satisfied for now. It's funny, I liked the teaching part and NOT the research part, but for completely weird reasons. I felt good at teaching and really, really bad at research. But I like research and writing. I just didn't like the constraints under which I would have to do them on the T-T. The pressure to produce would kill me. When I went looking for teaching jobs, I didn't like the schedule available to me--4-4, ugh. Sure, the time off in the summer and the winter breaks is nice but the rest of the time--no time to breathe.

I think people have offered some interesting ideas here. Library work might be good. Or museum work. There's definitely research and writing involved in both of those areas. I also like the idea of applying for a research/writing fellowship to complete your book project.

I've often thought I'd like to work for a think tank of some kind. My dream job is to write for Wired magazine. I don't know if it would pay the bills, but I think it'd be fun.

And of course, all of this depends on your personal situation. Can you move? Do you want to? I think academia is worse than any career about encouraging people to pursue their career at all costs. Maybe it's more about personal fulfillment for you at this point in your life.

[What Now?]

I'm in a different position in that I found the one thing I most missed was teaching, and I've now found a job that allows me plenty of teaching opportunities. But there's not much time for writing (especially this first year), and I'm finding that I miss that as well. Not as much as I think I'd miss teaching, but I do miss it, and I'm trying to figure out how to incorporate writing into a very full teaching schedule.

Thanks for sharing with us your interesting experiences in thinking through your career future possibilities.

[Kelly in Kansas]

Just remember the toughest part is going through the decision-making process. I do applaud your decision not to deal with the long-distance marriage challenge again . . . your personal life deserves as much attention as your professional life - if not more . . . .It's also better to be checking out your options now rather than hitting mid-life and wondering if you made your own choices or felt like you did what others expected . . . .not that uncommon, even in the ivory tower ... .

[marcelle proust]

Despite the differences between us, this resonates for me as well. I love the research and writing, and yet I look at my CV and wonder why that love doesn't show more visible results. I've been trying to re-prioritize my life/job to spend more time on writing. It's hard. But generally, I agree with others' suggestions: if it's at all possible, take a year, somehow, to experiment with writing. Or what about an internship in a museum or a library? Good luck! I really hope you find a way to fit together all the important pieces of your life.

[Belle]

The advice here is fascinating, particularly when so many of us have the same issues and questions. I love research, writing - and yeah, teaching. I too am a total introvert who finds herself totally exhausted after meeting with students, classes, colleagues. If I could pay the bills by being a hermit, I'd be there.

You are a writer. A medievalist. A thoughtful, interesting and useful person. Just as your writing gets better with time and effort, so does the process of self-discovery. You never get there, but the journey is everything. Enough two bit philosophy.

[D]

Have you thought about entering academic administration? There are always entry-level administrative positions at all kinds of institutions popping up on the various job boards.

If you go this route, which I did, you'll find that the faculty's time will be more highly regarded than yours by both the administration and the faculty, but you have the GLORIOUS advantage of being able to leave work at 5 PM and really leave work behind!

[historyprof]

Have you ever looked into working for THE CHRONICLE ONLINE or some academic blog? It is possible to blog professionally and at least make a bit of money. You could research and write on the side. Also have you ever pursued publication of some of your transcribed documents? Smaller presses usually are interested in that kind of stuff. Instead of hitting the big home run with a monography, you could check out publishing edited forms of some of these documents you have been working with. Maybe even putting them online somewhere. Surely other scholars would be interested in this raw data.

[New Kid on the Hallway]

Thanks for the comments, everyone! I am in a grumpy, self-pitying mode right now, so my knee-jerk reaction tends to be, "I can't do that because..." kind of thing, but I realize that's not at all helpful, and I really appreciate all the suggestions.

I love the idea of having a fellowship/grant to do nothing but write for a year (we can't afford for me to do it without pay - NLLDH is making good money, but not enough for me to be a lady of leisure, at least, not until we get out of debt - and even then, I think he'd drop dead of anxiety about supporting us, so I'd rather be bringing in money). And I shouldn't rule it out without actually, you know, APPLYING for one, but my concern about them is twofold: 1) I think the boat has passed, in that I've been working on the same project for so long that I wouldn't be able to convince anyone they should fund me for it, and 2) we run into the same two-household-marriage problem as with most t-t jobs (one year apart is doable, yes, but we've been saying that for years). At least, this is a problem for the grants that ask you to be associated with a center, which seem to be the more lucrative ones.

Anyway. I'll definitely mull over all you have to say here!

[Earnest English]

New Kid, your post totally resonates for me. It occurred to me this semester that what I really loved about grad school and the whole life was the research, the conversations about ideas, the writing and reading. I worried that maybe I only really like the university if I got to be the student! And that was not what I was getting. For various personal reasons, I've jumped off track. And I too am mulling over whether I want to jump back on or really consider other things. So I'm looking at these posts and wondering: where ARE those posts on entry-level academic administration anyway? And how can I make my life more about writing?

I don't have answers, but it was great to see you mulling over the question.

[ozma]

If you haven't gotten where you want in your research yet but see the place you want to go, I think you must go on. You sort of have to have faith that you will get to put those words on paper and make them mean something, somehow, someway.

This is what I plan to do. My career path is doubtless going to be rocky from here on out. It's like my research is a kind of beacon saying: Just keep going, just keep going. Of course, that could be a very long tunnel and maybe I'll just have to turn back at some point. But I do think the fact your research matters so much is a sign of something very important about what you should do...but I can't say what that is, only you can.

[Amanda]

Boy, do I ever identify with this post. I came to many of the same conclusions you did while I was finishing my dissertation -- the diehard introvert thing, the "enjoying course planning more than actually teaching" thing, and the "writing is the best part" thing especially. I wound up in academic librarianship in part because I loved the research process so much, and then found that it also let me experience the best parts of teaching without the exhaustion. The library job market isn't wonderful either, but it still beats the hell out of the humanities t-t job market.

No real suggestions for what to do next, but you're definitely not the only one with this set of reasons for contemplating a move away from academia.

[The Bittersweet Girl]

New Kid,

I had this same conversation with myself more times than I can recount: is it worth it to stay in academia? What would I do if I left? Lurking beneath it all: am I a failure if I don't stick it out?

Ironically, for me, when I had finally reached my breaking point after a disasterous job search in 04 and had accepted within myself that I was not going to stay in academia, an unexpected job offer came through in the most unbelievable of circumstances (which, when I tell people about it now, still seems too impossible to be true). It's tempting to think that the universe somehow conspired to give me what I had decided I no longer needed -- in some magical balencing act -- but the truth is more mundane, IMO: the academy functions through accidents and happenstances, success is determined by luck and coincidence. Even though it worked out well for me and I got a job I love -- I'm even more convinced that merit is a meaningless factor.

Remember: it's not a choice between success and failure but between two different but equally viable lifestyles.