My wisdom *cough, cough* on LD relationships

There were some comments on a previous post requesting my take on the long-distance relationship (LDR from henceforth, because I'm lazy). Well, my primary take is that it sucks, but I suspect that's not quite what people had in mind. So I'll see if I can come up with something more substantial. I won't claim to be helpful, because I think the only ways to cope with this kind of thing are individual. But here are my thoughts, worth exactly what you paid for them.

In some ways, I think that I find the LDR more congenial than some people might, because I like quite a lot of space and downtime. I am irretrievably introverted in the Myers-Briggs universe, and time to myself to recharge is important. I quite like spending time with myself. Which is good, because in a LDR, that's what happens. If you are an irrepressible extrovert who needs people around you to energize you, you may find the LDR harder to negotiate. I had a friend in college who just needed to have someone there, right there with her, and if her boyfriend wasn't available, she found someone else (they made their peace with this so it's not my place to judge, though it wouldn't work for me).

Given that I'm okay with spending some time by myself, one of the biggest issues I have with the LDR is the logistics. Maintaining two households is a pain in the ass. Money is no longer just money, but some kind of referendum on your relationship. (Okay, I suppose if you have enough money that you have no debt, and you can easily afford the travel that a LDR requires without going into debt, all the while putting money away for retirement, this isn't the case, but I wouldn't know about that.) Money that goes to non-essential items is money that could be going towards travel, money that goes to travel is money that could be going to provide you (collectively) a comfortable retirement. Moreover, there's much less give in your schedule, and scheduling everything around when you can/will see each other is also really tedious. I hope this isn't TMI, but (for example) you start to have sex when you can, not necessarily when you want to.

Maintaining two households can also take an emotional toll, at least in my experience. It's hard for both places to feel like "us" places, rather than one place being his and one place being mine. This isn't such a big deal for short visits, but if one goes to stay with the other for a few weeks, it can get frustrating quickly. For us, a problem was (is) that I'm quite a bit messier than LDH is, and coming home to visit and finding the place a mess wasn't just an inconvience, it was something that made him feel like this apartment isn't our home, it's MY home. (Yes, the obvious solution to this is for me to clean up more, which I acknowledge, but it's not just about cleaning - it's about what we think should go where, that kind of thing. Because he's not here very much, for instance, I organize the kitchen cupboards according to what works for me, which is decidedly not what works for him. When we lived together, we kind of organically developed a system that worked for both of us, but when only one of us is around, there's nothing that makes us do that.)

Something that's kind of a corollary to this, I think, is just the danger of getting really set in your ways in a manner that doesn't really fit your partner in very clearly. LDH was here for the last month and a half or so, and yeah, it was a little hard to adjust my routines back to having him here. This was way outweighed by the pleasures of living with him again, definitely!, but, for instance, after coming home from school, it was really hard to make myself work in the evenings, which is what I tend to do when on my own, rather than hanging out with LDH. Now, this is not to say that I shouldn't have hung out with LDH in the evenings! Rather, I wasn't very good at recognizing that therefore I needed to reorganize the rest of my time so that I found a place to fit in the activities that I used to do during that time.

And there is a little bit of guilt, in that now that he's gone for a while (he took off this morning), there's part of me that's relieved to have some time to myself again. I know that this will wear off pretty quickly. But such a reaction, which is probably kind of natural (you should have seen my mom's glee at those few few few occasions she had, growing up, to have the house to herself with no kids OR husband) (of course, we could just both be heartless selfish creatures!), takes on a whole different tone in the LDR. Under the tyranny of the LDR, I MUST be excited and happy to spend time with LDH ALL the time, because the time we spend together is limited. And if I'm NOT excited and happy in the manner aforesaid, well, I must be a terrible wife and our marriage is doomed. 

Having outlined this stuff, I have no glorious solution with which to conclude this post. There are some things that LDH and I seem to do in the context of the LDR. We have a rule that we never go more than six weeks without seeing each other - and that's just a maximum. We'd rather not go more than four weeks, and preferably, no more than two. (Ideally, we'd see each other every weekend, but that's not really feasible when flights are involved.) We talk to each other on the phone every day (unless there's some kind of schedule conflict where we just can't). Some days it might just be for fifteen minutes, other days it's more like an hour. We usually set a general time for the call, since one of the things that bugs me a lot is getting caught up in the middle of something and then being interrupted (for a while the system was that I would call him every night, since he was more amenable to interruptions than I was). Sometimes we set up virtual dates - usually around movies, because LDH is a big movie fan, and the simultaneity works well. So this would mean that we'd go see the same movie at the same time, in our respective cities.

I guess I'd say the most important thing is learning to be more flexible. Many of you out there may not need to hear this as much as I do, since by inclination I'm about as flexible as granite; I like to do things on my time, when I want to do them. But I have learned to remind myself that LDH is only here for a limited time, and that I can do [whatever it is] at another time when LDH isn't around. Or, say a short-notice opportunity to see each other arises. You'd think this would be a no-brainer, but no one has ever accused me of being spontaneous, and I hate last-minute travel (I like to plan WELL in advance). So if I have to get all Pollyanna on y'all and point to a silver lining to this whole LDR thing, it has taught me to be more adaptable, and to recognize that not doing things in absolutely the right, correct, PERFECT way is really not the end of the world.

Which, of course, I'd have rather learned in a different context. But you take what you can get, I suppose.

Comments

[nik]

I particularly appreciate the part where if you're not all Happy! and Excited! all the time when LDH is around then the marriage is doomed. I feel like that on vacation. Here we are! Together! No responsibilities! Why are we arguing about where to go to lunch?
You & LDH seem to have this LD thing happening for the foreseeable future? Is that the biggest drag of all?

[Dr. Moonbeam]

NK, I love hearing your take on the LD thing, since I've done it/am doing it, though on a more temporary basis. And WORD to most of what you say.

[Loyal reader]

Have you ever thought of retiring from your institution and going out to join him? You certainly could pick up some classes in his city or area. You could work on your publications. Eventually you BOTH could work on a move where you could BOTH find something. We just hired someone who had a 2-yr gap on their academic record and they are working out beautifully. This is a tough situation, I've been there myself.

[Marie]

A lot of this resonates with me, especially with the money and "yours and mine" issues. The money issue really sucks right now, since my car's transmission just went kaput without being paid off...and my husband and family are on the other side of the country! Otherwise we'd just make do with one car for awhile.

On another note, I just got back from a visit with LDH (aka home, I guess) and it is hard to get myself working again. Even though I had plenty to do (and brought it with me!), I felt like I was on vacation. I'm finding it difficult to switch between alone-at-school-hard-working-mode and husband-visiting-yay! modes.

[Addy N.]

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences on this. As my live-in H and I wait to hear about job prospects elsewhere- we may have decisions to make in the near future.

I will be linking over here in reference to a recent post of mine.

Thanks again.

[sheepish]

This is a nice honest reflection on LDRs. I totally agree that it's hard not to get set in your ways and figure out how to fit your partner into your life when it only happens for a short period of time.

The other thing that hit home for me, a fellow introvert, was the mixed feelings on being alone again. I think it's perfectly normal to feel at some level glad to have your time completely under your control and to be able to stop, relax, and get much needed down time at the same time that you deeply miss your partner and wish s/he were there. Nik's comparison to vacation time seems dead on.

On thing I will say for LDRs, the successful ones at least, is that they encourage (require even) strong communication. When all you have for most of the time is phone and email, you realize you have to just tell your partner things instead of hoping they will pick up subtle body language clues. You quickly learn to just say what you mean.

[philosopherP]

Thanks for your post -- I'm thinking about one of my own sooner or later.

It is hard to have two households, it seems like the grocery shopping, laundry etc. is doubled and it seems like the travel money is always an issue -- who pays, how often etc.

In my LDR, it seems like I've become the one who folds the laundry. He lives where there is a washing machine, he'll wash the laundry and then wait for me to come down and fold it and put it away.

I'm finding my clothes migrating north, so this week when he drives home, I'll send a bunch of clothes back with him. I'm not sure how the clothes sneak back north, but they've done it and I'm out of stuff to wear when I'm in his state.... sigh.

[Medieval Woman]

Thanks, NK, for this great post - I like the fact that you're so honest about the fact that it generally sucks but also that it's not the end of the frickin' world! It seems like when I tell people that I got a job elsewhere but that the Dutchman has a job here everyone gets wide-eyed like rubber-neckers at a highway car wreck and goes, "Oh God! That's awful!! What are you going to *doooooo*???" Well, what do you think we're going to do? Try to make it work! Try not to do it for too long and slog through it until then!

But thanks for your practical points - I think the virtual date idea is great. Also, the not going more than 6 weeks at the outside without seeing each other is a good rule of thumb.

Thanks again! I'm sure as the time draws near this summer I'll be posting about it too!

[PhilosopherP]

Upon further reflection, it seems like LDRs need to have a high level of trust about a variety of issues -- clearly, it would be a bad idea to have a LDR if you worry about infidelity. You also have to have high levels of trust in terms of money as well as addictive behaviors.

Being in a LDR leaves time to be lonely and bored -- wishing you were elsewhere -- taking comfort in either spending, gamboling, alcohol etc seems pretty tempting.

[Another Damned Medievalist]

They do suck. Don't know if this has happened to you, but I've noticed that, because LDW and I see each other so rarely (although we're going to manage 19 days in three months -- but then it will be about 4 months till we see each other again), when there is an issue that needs dealing with, I (maybe both of us?) tend to avoid it because I don't want to spoil our precious time together in a discussion that might lead to an actual fight, etc.

[New Kid on the Hallway]

nik - yes, for the foreseeable future, LDH and I are going to be in different places. We have a variety of fairly vague plans/strategies/hopes etc., but we don't have a specific ending point to this right now. And I totally agree with your vacation metaphor - so true!

Loyal reader, I love the idea of retirement. :-) But yes, I do think of leaving here and going out to join him, especially since the market for me in his town is probably better than the market for him in my town, especially if I'm willing to move outside a faculty role (which I think I could be). This is all part of the vague plans we're working on. But that's not going to happen right away - there are a variety of things that need to get resolved first. But yes, you're right, it definitely can work that way.

Marie - YES. The whole mode-switching thing IS very difficult!

Addy N. - good luck!

Sheepish - yes, I totally agree about communication (I meant to say something about that and completely forgot). You're so right - you can't just hope the other person will figure something out, you have to SAY it.

And PhilosopherP, yes, trust is a big thing. Thankfully that's never been an issue for LDH and me, but if it were, I think the LDR would be a much greater strain. I'm also really struck by your point about taking solace in something (shopping, gambling, etc.). Thankfully gambling and drinking hold no appeal, but I've definitely done the shopping thing. (And it's probably not a coincidence that I started blogging when we started living apart again!)

ADM - yup, I know what you mean about that. Definitely.

[Juno888]

Nice blog out there ...keep it up...

[Long Distance Relationships]

Ive been in a long distance relationship on line for over a year now. We took all the precautionary steps (talked for 6 months first via phone and web cam) before flying to see eachother. We fly every 6-8 weeks now. We have the fundements of an incredible marriage. Great conversation, communication, and respect for eachother which helps considerably. Unfortunatly we are on opposite sides of the country me in school him with a business, and are unable to relocate for about 1-2 years. Our only issue is trust. Even when we think we handle situations accordly there always seems to be room for capability to have made better decisions. It seems to consistanly "not good enough". I know distance and frustration feeds this but its aggrivating. I think once we are together things will be more solid.....but any tips on making it that far?

[paroquiademontelavar.org]

Like any relationship, long distance relationships require effort for them to succeed. Where your relationship differs from a normal relationship, is the fact that you have time to live for yourself. How many couples do you know of, who complain that they never have time for themselves. As with any sort of relationship, there are undoubtedly times where frustrations start creeping in. The quality time that you spend together, probably on the end of a telephone line can quickly end up in mind games, destroying the small amount of time you do get to be close together. If the wonders do start creeping up on you, remember that your relationship is built on trust, love and respect.