Blogging the lost

The title for this post comes from a line in Dr. Crazy's most recent post that cracked me up: she comments that she wishes she could remember where she put her watch, and then says, "This is a bullet of blogging the lost." I can't pinpoint why, but I LOVE that line.

In any case, this is a post of blogging the lost, the lost in this case being my motivation. I do not want to do the things I should be doing, and I've reached the point where if I don't want to do something, I just don't do it. Sometimes I feel like there's so much in my life that I HAVE to do, that it makes it really really hard to do the things I SHOULD do, because I've used up all my determination and focus on getting through the HAVE-tos.

For instance, I'm feeling burnt out about teaching. Don't get me wrong, I still think teaching is incredibly important and that my students deserve my taking it seriously. I still believe, in an kind of abstract, theoretical way, in all my pedagogical principles. But when it comes down to the nitty gritty of planning class day-to-day, I find myself much more concerned by what will fill up the hour than by what will really help the students learn or make progress toward the course's goals. I want to get through the teaching, rather than actually to do it.

Ironically, my classes this semester are going pretty well. This is ironic not in the sense that "see how well my classes go when I blow things off!" but in the sense that, "whatever's behind this, I can't blame my classes/students/their performance." So the burnout is not connected to my particular students this semester - I've had far worse groups before (and while I've dreaded teaching them, at least I knew it was because of classroom dynamics!). In fact, one class especially is truly lovely, with engaged, talkative, congenial students who seem to be doing lovely things with the material. This class I can usually expect to enjoy. A second class is also really very good, not quite as stellar as the first, but reliably prepared, conversational, and insightful. (The third class - well, it's a very different demographic, and I find myself bored. Just plain bored. A colleague of mine made me feel better about that today, that it's not just because I put together a boring class - though of course that might be part of it! - but that the demographics of these particular courses are especially difficult. Again, the students are generally lovely - there aren't any problem children or anything - and some of them are very very good. And I try to focus on this to have  a good attitude - but I have to confess, the class doesn't excite me. But while some of that may be them, the greater part of it, I suspect, is me.)

So, on the one hand I'm enjoying my classes, but on the other, boy, do I just want to get them over with. Which is not a feeling I enjoy or approve of. But it's there.

Of course, I do have to remind myself that if I had stayed at Rural Utopia, I would be on my sabbatical right now. Perhaps there really is a good reason behind those things.

Beyond my teaching, though, I have not TOUCHED my research since turning in various third-year review things in January. (And yes, I think there's a connection, and in fact, I think that third-year review drove my motivation away, but eh, there's not much I can do about that now.) This is clearly a problem. I have an essay revision to complete, I have a book proposal to finish, I have a conference paper to write (largely from scratch - new material!), and oh yeah, I have a book manuscript to wrangle into shape. And what do I do? Come home, play on the internet, watch TV, and stay up too late. (Which is what I'm doing now, except I turned off the TV - the first step actually to getting my ass in bed.) I was so proud of myself last semester for working regularly, consistently, even if it was only 30 minutes a day, on my research. I thought I had this whole writing thing whipped - I knew how to balance the teaching/service and research - I had it ALL figured out.

And um, yeah, here I am again.

Sigh.

So I'm blogging this to try to kickstart my motivation (well, perhaps to FIND it first). Tomorrow is another day, as the saying goes, and presents another fresh start. My class prep for tomorrow is relatively minimal. So I will get up and start the day with at least 20 minutes of essay revision, putting it first, before anything else. And cross my fingers that it's like riding a bicycle - that once I start, I will remember again how I do this.

Comments

[Doctor Moonbeam]

Good luck! I have very much the same problems with both research work and getting to bed, as you know (just sent you an email re: Big Spring Meeting, in fact).

I'm pulling for you -- we're all in this together.

Bonus points for recognizing the source of the previous line... *g*

[Laura]

I feel ya. I'm feeling completely unmotivated. I blame the weather. Of course my "students" are faculty. And they're just not exciting me right now, for lots of complicated reasons.

[Pilgrim/Heretic]

I love "blogging the lost"... I hope you find your motivation, and if you do, see if it's hiding out with two of my sports bras, which have disappeared since the last time I did laundry.

[joanna]

The academic schedule is so much of "hurry up, hurry up, meet the deadline," that it makes sense to have a letdown afterwards where your mind floats around aimlessly and resists big projects. On the other hand, your getting back in the swing now like a good idea--I tend to stay too long in the letdown phase and admire all who climb out.

[squadratomagico]

You're feeling concerned because you haven't done research since January? Really? I suppose everyone has her own pacing, but that doesn't seem so dreadful to me, especially during teaching times. One month is hardly indicative of a problem.

But then again, I'm a tunnel-vision type: either 8 hours of research-and-writing a day, or total absorption in teaching. I've never achieved a balance of both, but luckily I'm very productive when I can dedicate myself fully.

(And thanks for your blog, which I've only just discovered. I'm a medieval historian, recently tenured, at a large public university.)

[What Now?]

Two thoughts, neither of which may be helpful:

1) Do you think that your not blogging as much affects your other kinds of writing? I know that for some folks, blogging keeps them in the writing groove and it's easy to just keep writing after finishing a blog post. And for other folks, blogging happens *instead* of other kinds of writing, which of course isn't so helpful! Anyway, I was just thinking about what might have changed for you between last semester and this.

2) Are you planning on spending the summer in LDH's new city? Maybe a change of atmosphere will give an extra energy boost to your writing and research plans.

Anyway, sorry to hear that you're in a funk. Don't underestimate how taxing those pre-tenure reviews can be, take care of yourself, and I hope things look up soon.

[sheepish]

Wow. You keep nailing my own thoughts with your last couple of posts. This semester is really wearing me down, and despite my high-minded plans of educating the masses and exciting them about my subject, I continually get closer to just phoning it in and killing time until summer. On the bright side, summer's not so far away now!

[Dr. Crazy]

I can't really take credit for the "blogging the lost" thing, as I stole it from Profgrrrl :)

Hang in there, NK. It's a tough time of the semester, and it's really hard to continue to motivate oneself without carrots along the way, so my one suggestion to you is to build in a reward structure for working on the research stuff. Revision isn't fun, and unless you get some kind of pay-off immediately (nice cup of coffee? hot bath? alcohol?) it's hard to motivate oneself to do it, even if you will get the pay-off of a publication later. So be NICE to yourself - don't beat yourself up for not working :)

[Rebecca]

Just a thought that is semi-related to your post--I often find that when I put less time into teaching, things go much better in the classroom. I've begun to think that it is possiblt to be overprepared for teaching and to overthink it as well...

just a sort-of relevant thought!

[timna]

I think lulls are necessary and that much is going on even when we seem somewhat unproductive.

[Margo]

New Kid, you captured my mood today 100%. Thanks for this, and here's to more focused tomorrows.

[Medieval Woman]

Oh god, I feel your ennui! I'm SO not into my classes this semester - this is especially vexing because I spent so much time working up this one class and I feel like the students aren't enjoying it enough - but now that I'm lacking motivation, I think that also might be part of the problem.

Here's to finding what's lost and impending spring! Hope you feel better soon...

[Horace]

I know this may sound like semantics, and smug to boot, but sometimes I find that the best way to get through the teaching is to do it in a really interesting, TFI (totally effing insane) kind of way. I know, I know, you've gotta first devote some energy to fugring out what that is, but every once in a while, a really good, off-the-wall class can kick start your teaching motivation for a couple of days...

Also, it's Just Barely March...wait until April and sunshine.

[PhilosopherP]

In terms of your research -- use the kitchen timer.

Pick a rather short amount of time, say 30 or 45 minutes and a chunk of work you can reasonably get done in that time. Set the timer and decide just to work for that time and worry about what happens after that time when you get done.

I usually only have to do that a couple of times to get myself jump-started. A variation is to stop the timer every time you want a 'break', having to stop time keeps those breaks at a minimum.

The other thing you could do is to get LDH involved -- ask him to get irritated with you if he doesn't see a file-attach of your work by X time. It worked for me tonight, since hubby is snowed-in in Red State :).

Good luck!

[New Kid on the Hallway]

Doctor Moonbeam - I give up, what's the line from? ;-)

Hi and welcome, squadratomagico! (cool name.) I guess it's not really THAT long (last time I looked at the essay I'm working on was January 16). But I'm trying really hard to do the "short but consistent" work sessions rather than the marathons... maybe I did need a break? I do find I'm happier if I can work on my research consistently, I think, but your comment made me feel better! (I was feeling like SUCH a slacker.)

What Now?, I'm not sure about the blogging. I think the not blogging/not writing are connected, because the things I haven't felt comfortable blogging about (and yet about which I was obsessing) are also things that have made me feel less confident in my research, so in that respect they definitely fit together. I think blogging does help, because it keeps my brain limber in a good way (I've been online a lot in completely different venues, but they're more chat-room-y, and so not really exercising my brain in the same way). It's just that if I start feeling like I HAVE to blog, and I have to say PROFOUND, MEANINGFUL things, then I tend to avoid it. Sort of a weird catch-22?

As for your second question: I'm not sure how that's going to work at the moment. Yes, I want to spend the summer in LDH's new city, because it's way cooler than mine (speaking metaphorically and meteorologically!). But there are two problems: 1) I'm teaching in a summer program during the month of July, which is driving distance from where I live but not from where LDH lives, and 2) he rented the teeniest tiniest little studio! he really likes it, and he's way into minimalism and not having a lot of stuff so doesn't want a lot of space - plus is on a "if I don't spend money we can pay off credit cards faster" kick - and it's a really nice place, so it's not like he's in a rooming house or something, but I'm not sure spending the summer in it (as opposed to visiting) would work well (for one thing, there is NO way the three cats will fit!). I want to visit him (and see the cool city!), rather than make him be the one who does all the visiting again, but having the cats does add a draw for him to come here rather than vice versa. (I should add that the studio is a 6-month rental, to give him/us time to get a better sense of what he/we'll be doing - if at the end of the 6 months he really loves this job and it looks like he'd want to stay with it long term, and that it's likely I'd be moving there/spending a lot of time there, he'll either move to a larger place, or maybe even buy a condo - depending on finances.) (And I should also add that if I get the grant I applied for, I would be on leave in the fall, so could go live there for a semester! Except that the whole thing of what to do with this apartment/the cats is just a huge hassle. I gotta say, cats + LDR is not a great thing, but neither of us could imagine giving up cats... Dogs actually travel better, I think. Sigh. Good thing we don't want kids!)

Rebecca, I think you're absolutely right about the overpreparation thing. Sadly, it's not that I'm worried because I'm not overpreparing any more - I'm just so slacking!

Horace, I'll have to work on coming up with a TFI way to teach. Thing is, my teaching persona, although kind of goofy at times (I make fun of myself a lot), is pretty darn SANE, and I think TFI might freak out the students here! (They're very into authority and get a little anxious if authority figures don't act the way they expect them to. Which is probably another reason to go TFI on them. I'm just not sure how well it would work with this crowd...) So tell me - what do you classify as TFI? ;-)

Oh, and Dr. C, I know you go the idea to blog about lost things from profgrrrrl, but I hadn't seen her use that precise phrase, which is what I especially liked! (though I haven't caught up with her recent posts so maybe I missed it...)

Anyway, glad I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes (sunshine and flowers doubtless will help a lot!).

And now to end this leviathan-like comment!

[New Kid on the Hallway]

Hi philosopherP - we cross-posted! I do use the timer method - just hadn't been able to get myself going with it this semester.

And I'm better off NOT involving LDH in this, to be honest - I respond very BADLY to him taking on that kind of role! ;-) But there are others who work better, so I will do that.