Isolation

I think that's what I'm feeling these last few days.

Which is funny, really, since classes have started, so I'm on campus every day, surrounded by people, and I talk to three classes worth of people seven times over the course of a week.

But I also find myself listening to all sorts of conversations going on around me (it's hard to avoid it from my office, as there is for all intents and purposes no sound insulation on our floor - especially between me and my office neighbor to the right, who was joking the other day that we should just switch offices and see how our students reacted). And when I hear people I know talking, I feel left out. Which is absolutely silly - people are allowed to talk to each other with having to include me! - but there is that little part of me that feels like things are going on around me that I'm not part of, and I'm not part of them because people don't like me, I'm tedious, no - I'm invisible...

And this is especially silly because if there is any isolation going on, it's of my own making. I don't get a lot of research work done in my office, so I try to minimize my time spent there (obviously, I'm happy to meet with students whenever they need it, but otherwise I want to be elsewhere, especially at home, where I did get into some habit of working, over the summer, when it was too hot to go anywhere). The majority of my time on campus is spent teaching. I hate going over to our dining hall unless I've already wrangled a lunch partner, because I'm too chicken to go over there without knowing I'll have someone to eat with, but two of the colleagues I used to eat with are gone, one of my colleagues that I would happily eat with usually goes home for lunch, and everyone else has a teaching schedule opposite mine, so they eat earlier or later. And the truth is that yes, I know there are lots of people over there eating, and plenty of them are even nice people, and I'm sure I could find someone I know to sit with, and if worse came to worst, I could just plop myself down with strangers and introduce myself. Or even (horrors), eat by myself, which actually I don't mind at all, but no one seems to eat by themselves here, so I feel conspicuous when I do, and worry that I look anti-social and unfriendly, since other people tend to plop themselves down with strangers and introduce themselves...

Hmmmm, neurotic much?

Anyhoo, the point I was trying to make before I revealed all my mealtime social insecurities, is that I'm the one isolating myself. The long-distance marriage thing exacerbates this, I think, because it makes socializing a little complicated. LDH likes the colleagues/friends (because let's face it, the only people I know here are colleagues) of mine that he's met very much, but when we only get to see each other on the weekends, it's easy to get into the habit of hoarding that time to ourselves. When he's driven seven hours at the end of his work week to get home to see me and the cats, he doesn't always have a lot of energy available to get to know new people. And since I'm too chicken even to go to the dining hall without having a lunch buddy lined up, you can imagine that I'm ready to eschew meeting new people, too. I'm really bad at taking up social opportunities at the best of times.

It doesn't help much that our apartment, while large for a 1-BR, and lovely in many ways, isn't well-suited to hosting anything ourselves at this point - it's suffering from the effects of squishing the contents of a 3-BR house (and three cats!) into a smaller space. We still have some boxes from moving in two years ago (how pathetic is that?), the bathroom's a little icky because of the two litter boxes, and we just have stuff everywhere (LDH's biggest peeve! poor boy).

Though really, what I have to do is either to clean the place up, or get over what it looks like, and have some folks over here...

So yet again, this is a phenomenon of knowing what I need to do, but somehow not really doing it.

I am trying - I had lunch with a new faculty member recently (and she was very nice!), and I've e-mailed a couple of people about doing lunch. I do have a standing weekly lunch with the person who's probably my closest friend here, and we're starting an exercise class next week.

But isolation is just so easy.

Comments

[Another Damned Medievalist]

You've just described my entire summer. I've lost the habit of even calling any of my old town friends that I really miss. I just sit around being isolated. Fortunately, SLAC did a really good job of creating a new faculty cohort, so I've eaten with several people, and Nice Colleague and I tend to eat at the same time. But everyone here eats in the cafeteria. OK, not everybody, but most people, at least three times a week. And lunch is only for a couple of hours, so if you go in, it's almost certain that there will be several people you know. It's almost impossible to eat alone. No social contact outside of that, though, except with about two people. I think you're right about getting in the habit of being alone.

[wolfa]

Call in an organiser/cleaner for a day? It's a lot less expensive than it seems. Then you'd feel better having people over, too.

Also, eating lunch: other people will introduce themselves, so you can meet people when they introduce themselves to you. Try sitting down with a crossword puzzle or something that looks like you're doing something but are interruptable. Or come in with a big bag, go up to someone with a space at their table, ask them to watch it, then sit there with them.

[shelly]

You described my summer, too, but for different reasons, which I guess you probably already know.

I don't have a lot to offer but I will say that although I've long been into eating alone (read: years and years of law firm lunches that my reprieve was my lunch hour alone with a good book across or down the street at a deli), I felt slight anxiety entering that food court alone. I figure students will see me and try to accost me with questions or worse yet, think I'm friendless because I'm eating alone. But I've done it a few times, and I think I'm over it. Like you, I would not feel comfortable plopping and introducing to strangers. For one thing, I honestly do not want to spend my down time making small talk and getting to know people.

I have gone down a couple of times and run into someone who invited me to sit down, and then I did, but that's the only time I feel comfortable doing that. I'm a selective person, really, about who I want to talk to, and as such, I tend to respect that right of other people. I wouldn't want to invite myself into a situation for fear of intruding.

OK, I've now gone on even more about anal-retentive luncheon habits. ;)

Have you thought about moving into a house? Or at least a place with two bathrooms so you could have one "guest" bathroom?

Then again, I'm with you on isolation.

[Philosophy Factory]

I know what you mean about hoarding your time with LDH. Of course he doesn't want to go be social, he's had a very long week and I'm sure you miss eachother. Last weekend in Red State I didn't even want to go get Chinese food without hubby :).

Have you considered getting into some out of class/off campus activity during the week when LDH isn't around? Hubby wants to join the curling club in Red State for a mid-week league... something new to learn might be another alternative -- I've thought about taking an art class or something that is hands-on and not bookish... but between debate and dissertation I'm having a hard time finding the open time slot to do it.

The other way to meet new people on-campus is to join a committee -- people are always looking for help with something. Answer the e-mail and get out of your own department. I've met some great people on campus-wide committees.

[Oso Raro]

I feel you here, for sure. Institutions can be so different, radically so, that one's expectations of finding a crowd instantly through work can in fact be misplaced if that's not part of the institutional milieu. At Sadistic College, we had to socialise, as we were stuck in the country. Some of it was forced and icky, but real relationships grew out of that time.

Here in Cold City now, everyone goes home and home phone numbers are not distributed. Oh well. So after work, oddly for me a stave against my own isolation, I come home to my empty apartment and stare at the walls, or go out into my neighborhood filled with people and strangers, but no relationships. I would like to have one or two friends here, but it is quite hard, and my resident doublegood, Prancilla (who recently moved) I knew from before.

Big Sis says I should get out and join "clubs" (the Cold City version of braving the dining hall I suppose). But I think I would rather be alone. When you're past 30, relationships have to be organic, which means they're also more precious (and therefore, rare).

Well, think about it this way, more time for your work!

[sheepish]

This post resonates with me a lot. I've been either away on vacation, hoarding my time in town when TheGirlfriend visits, or locked up at home prepping a class for the last two months. I feel so out of the loop. I get my information from my clueless seeming, still-wet-behind-the-ears, junior colleague of all people. And just like you, it's all of my own making. There are even people in the department who are more isolated than me... by choice.

Re: the lunch thing. My strategy is to go to cafeteria with an article in hand. That way I can handle being by myself, or I can simply set it aside if lunch companions are present. Also good for deflecting unwanted lunch companions too! "Oh sorry, I'm being antisocial and doing a working lunch today."

Oso Raro's comment about age, organic relationships, and the rarity of them seems dead on to me.

[helenesch]

This is fascinating to me--the cafeteria thing really isn't an issue in my dept. I just bring a lunch and eat it in my office (often during office hours or between classes) and rarely come in on days when I don't teach. This seems pretty typical in my large state university (in a medium-sized midwest college town).

Although sometimes I wish I were at a smaller school where faculty socialized more, a friend of mine who has that kind of job sometimes compares it to high school--lots of pressure to socialize, everyone knows everyone's business, etc.

But the overall sentiment of your post does resonate with me. The three newest hires in my department socialize with each other quite a bit now, and I don't hang out with them much. Mostly it's my own choice (I really don't enjoy spending time with two of the three). But it still sometimes leaves me feeling bad, like I don't want them socializing without me.

[Dr M]

Oh God I hate our cafeteria! I bring a Lean Cuisine or leftovers and microwave it to eat in our lounge pretty much every day. . SOmetimes I have companions, sometimes I don't. I treasure my lunches --it's quiet, sometimes I read, no one bothers me, the phone doesn't ring, emails don't come in. This way when I do go out to eat, it's a real treat. I've gotten involved in 2 community groups which keep me just busy enough. Academia by its nature is a very isolated discipline but I'm basically a loner anyway. There's a clique in the other building but apparently I'm "the old guy with kids" so rarely do they want to hang with me. But, again, when I do hang with some of them it's nice.

[Bardiac]

Wow, this post really resonates.

At my previous school, I started taking a community ed art class partly in order to get to know people, and it was a great help in all sorts of ways, and lots of fun, too.

Have you thought about organizing a sports team? Darts, bowling, something like that, just to get a small group together to laugh a lot. I have a blast with my team.

I hope things feel better quickly.

[Medieval Woman]

I think Oso Raro is right about friendships needing to be organic after a certain age - I'm struck by how many "friends" I had in grad school - but they weren't really all friends in the same way - we were all taking classes together, going out for beer afterwards, going to the same parties b/c you just invited everyone from yours and related depts., etc. But once the dissertation started and I didn't have "forced playtime" with other grad students, I realized that most of those friendships were just being at the same place at the same time. I did make some wonderful friends in grad school that I still have today - of course, we've all gone our separate ways geographically. But now as a prof, it's SO much harder!

I hope that you feel more comfortable soon - if I were in the cafeteria, I would eat lunch with you! :)

[shelly]

I'd like to encourage everyone to eat alone without reading material! It's a very freeing experience!

[Tiruncula]

Shelly, really? The thought makes me awfully panicky! (What does it say that I think for a living but I can't stand to be alone with my thoughts - even in my own kitchen?)

Sorry, I seem to have hijacked the thread for a minute there. NK and everybody, this resonates with me, too. I'm sort of glad that I've never been in a place where my anxieties about isolation focus around lunch, because I'm very protective of my in-office lunchtime for reading, prepping, etc. I'd find it exhausting to feel I had to be socializing with people over lunch in the middle of a teaching day.

[Dee]

I put what sounds like a fair amount of effort into overcoming isolation--giving mingling parties, emailing a few people on spec to see if anyone is up for in X dance performance, or Y basketball game. It's less trouble than it sounds, at least for me, and it's been giving results--not in the form of really close friends (yet), but definitely in overcoming isolation.

I think of it, in Oso Raro's terms, as trying to prepare the ground and plant the seeds for an organic friendship to grow. Many seeds sprout, certainly, and not all of them stop at sprouting. Also, I've noticed that these types of efforts create momentum. One cocktail party (not mine) from 5-8 produced several groups that went out to dinner after, and also inspired another cocktail party, which itself produced more dinner groups, and at both those dinners-after, I became slightly better friends with an acquaintance.

[shelly]

Tiruncula, Yes! I've been thinking about why, and the difference betwween eating alone with a book and just eating alone wiht no props, and I think that what makes it so "freeing" as I said (what a ridiculous word, but that's all I can come up with) is the lack of engagement and the ability to people watch. Something peaceful about sitting quietly and watching the rest of the world run madly about. ;)

[shelly]

PS Sorry about hijacking, NK!

[New Kid on the Hallway]

shelly (and others), no problem at all - that's why the comments are here! I'm just impressed/relieved that others so exactly know what I'm talking about.

about eating with/without reading stuff: I have actually started to enjoy this myself, though ideally if I'm somewhere surrounded by strangers (I feel less guilty people-watching that way!).

oh, and shelly, you mentioned moving into a house: I would LOVE to move into a house. Unfortunately, not only do we not have the money to buy right now, we don't really have the money to shell out for a move. But mostly, since we don't know what's happening with LDH's job situation in the next couple of years, we don't want to buy until we're more stable. (And really, although the place is a bit of an entertaining disaster, the people we'd really like to hang out with are unlikely really to care about our mess.)

I do have one non-work activity, choir, which I really enjoy (though I don't feel like I have much in common with many of the people in there). Sports - well, it's not really my thing ;-), though I am starting a Pilates class with a friend next week (starting to attend, that is, not running one!).

Oso, Rural Utopia was like Sadistic College, in the sense that it was so small everyone had to socialize, and it *was* really nice, and I do miss that element of it (I don't miss being in a tiny town, or working at a completely impoverished place, though!). And helenesch is right - people there know EVERYONE's business. A friend there is going through some rough times right now and I just ache for this person, knowing that everything is just so on display there.

Medieval Woman, thank you! I would eat with you, too!

Oh, and I was going to add to the post above, but will just comment here instead: within 24 hours of posting this, one of my good friend colleagues, who is married to another friend of mine, was in the next office over asking my virtual officemate when he's eating this semester, because they'd been finding the dining hall pretty empty, and so I just walked next door and said, "I'm sorry to butt in, but I would so love some company at lunch," and the third colleague said he felt exactly the same way. So I guess we'd all been feeling isolated, and the plan is to try to coordinate our schedules more, which seemed like perfect timing! ;-) (These two colleagues always know more than I do about what's going on around campus, too, which is cool.)

Anyway, I definitely think that Oso Raro is right about the organicness of relationships these days, and how hard they are!

[CafeSiren]

I eat lunch in my office. Always. But mostly because there is no decent food on this campus, and I'm always feeling like I'm behind on my work.

I was going through the feeling isolated bit last year -- it seemed like everyone in the department was going to parties and going on hikes, and I would hear echoes of it after the fact. I think of myself as both gregarious and nice, but I felt left out all the time.

This semester (as much of it as there has been) is a bit different: I've been out with colleagues both new and old, to the point where I really want to beg off and stay home and watch bad tv (or read blogs -- ::ahem::). But I tear myself off my couch, and take advantage of the opportunities, try not to leave early, and always have a good time.

Some of the new faculty cohort (a godsend) also drifted apart last year, and at a party in August, we resolved to have a standing coffee date once a week.

So, in my experience, it seems like socializing requires much more conscious effort than it did in grad school. It's a matter of retraining myself -- slowly, but surely.

[Sfrajett]

I agree with the self-isolation analysis, and think it's important to feel empowered by your choices. I isolate myself in not wanting to play beer darts with 23-year-olds, but I do it because it makes me feel better to have some dignity doing something I would rather do instead than hang around the fringes of a group of kids hoping someone will be nice to me. So the important thing to ask, I guess, is are my choices making me happier? Or would I be happier going over there, just once, to sit in the dining room with other people? If you know you wouldn't then you can be at peace with your solitude.

All these posts show how much people are battling loneliness every day. And how important blogging is for all of us to help keep our spirits up.

[shrinkykitten]

I would totally eat lunch with you New Kid.

One problem with feeling lonely is that for me, it makes me overeager and needy. I started a new job this week, and on the day I overlapped with another trainees, I felt like I was trying so hard to be-her-friend that it was painful. I finally forced myself to shut up (we share an office) as I realized she many not be as desperate for friends as I am (her university seems far more collegial).

I often notice conversations going on around me that don't involve me, and it makes me sad. I share an office at school with other grad students, and every time another grad student stops by looking for someone else in my office, I feel hurt.

Once I was in my office and on of my office mates was in there eating lunch with another student. When I came in, they left. I later saw them hanging out in the other student's office. Ouch.

So, I empathize. I think it'd be cool if you started some groovy women's book group so that you could connect with other super cool faculty on campus!

[Slow Loris]

Hey New Kid,
I'd totally eat lunch with you too. Workplace isolation is something I think about too -- I'm in a gregarious (and large) department, and when one needs to close the door, it's as if you're cutting people out. Moreover, because of our departmental cohesion, I meet very few people from other departments. Our department eats lunch together in the lounge, every day. On the few times I've ventured over to the dining hall by myself, it seemed that everyone else had forged their own relationships already. I agree that taking the initiative, making the date, seems to be the only way. Did we ever think academia would be so much like high school?

[Shelly]

I totally get it. We have the VA loan since B was in the AF.

Cool re: the change in the work/lunch sphere.

btw, and I think this is obvious, but I would totally eat lunch with you, too. :O) (I can't believe you visited the Crazy Moon and didn't tell me!)

[New Kid on the Hallway]

Oh, yeah, the Crazy Moon! This was a while ago, not long after I started blogging, so I didn't mention it at the time. We visited a certain Box on Stilts, too. ;-)

[shelly]

I watched that monstrosity go up. What a piece of architectural waste.

[Celandine]

Wish I were there to have lunch with you, NK!

I always seem to teach a class over lunch hour -- the 11:30-12:20 slot -- and a lot of my colleagues seem to teach the 12:30 slot, so it's tricky to find someone to lunch with even if I wanted to. And I'm only on campus those teaching days, of course. So mostly I eat a packed lunch in my office. Which is at least cheap and fairly healthy.

Once every 3-4 weeks I will go out and treat myself to cheap Chinese buffet or something though. I've done that with grad students, even, but this term one of them is teaching at 12:30 and I would feel bad if that person couldn't come too.

[Rana]

I hear you. Boy, do I.

I'm coming at it from the other side of the table; since when we first arrived I was unemployed, I didn't get a chance to meet any people through work, and all the people I did meet who were interesting were all D's colleagues. Since they were busy with their own work, there wasn't much opportunity for me to have more interaction with them, unless it was second-hand through D.

Unfortunately, he's less gregarious than I am (or less interested in developing colleagues into friends, since he's getting tons of social interaction in the form of teaching and hallway chats) so asking him if he'd like to have them over doesn't work. Nor does my wanting to ask them over by myself, because if he's not interested, then it's awkward and weird because by now they know him a lot better than they do me -- I'm just "that woman D's living with" for most of them.

I do have a couple of casual work friends now -- yay! -- but they're not people I could invite over, either, since without work we have very little in common.

Pretty sad, eh? And it's mostly my own durned fault. I'm just glad this is a temporary position! (I'm promising myself to do better in the next place, and not depend so much on D. to make connections for me.)