This spam cracks me up

You've all seen the Nigerian scam spam, right? A pious letter from the widow or other last relative of a rich Nigerian who has millions, begging you to help her/him by providing a bank account through which those millions can be transferred to the US - and you'll receive a sweet fee for your generous assistance?

Well, recently I received yet another variation on this theme, ostensibly from a Russian citizen who works in Scotland, regarding the account of a dead Malaysian.

Dear Friend,
Permit me to introduce myself to you.
I am Vladimir Timinski, Rusian citizen and Principal assurance manager for the Lloyds TSB in Scotland. A staff of MASER (M) SDN. HHD, MALAYSIA got in touch with me regarding the estate of Mr. Philip Mutaf. And an investment placed under our bank management 3 years ago.

But you know what's great about this one? It doesn't even PRETEND to be legitimate. Basically, anyone with half a brain knows that the Nigerian scam is a scam, but the premise is that your assistance is actually a moral act, aiding the helpless (who is often portrayed as a Christian and/or someone persecuted by an immoral regime).

Mr. Timinski, however, has no such illusions. He begins by asking the reader to "keep the contents of this mail confidential and respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this mail. I contact you independently of our investigation and no one is informed of this communication," and goes on to explain that Mr. Mutaf turned over US $31.6 million to his bank for investment. He then gives you lots of (boring) details about the investment, perhaps to lull you into a false sense of security? But also because it explains that he, Mr. Timinski, was the ONLY PERSON TO KNOW about Mr. Mutaf's account. The ONLY ONE.

In any case, soon enough Mr. Mutaf turns up dead (you're shocked, I know). Mr. Timinski makes sure to tell you that he and his bank tried really, really hard to find Mr. Mutaf's next of kin, and have failed, which means that the money will most likely revert to the bank. But, he declares,

This will not happen if I have my way.

What I wish to relate to you will smack off [sic] unethical practice but I want you to understand something. It is only an outsider to the banking world who finds the internal politics of the banking world aberration. The world of private banking especially is fraught with huge rewards for those that occupy certain offices and oversee certain portfolios.

Once he's pointed out the essential relativity of morality in the banking world, he continues:

You should have begun by now to put together the general direction of what I propose. There is US$ 31,600.00 [sic - it specifies $36.1 million earlier in the message] deposited in Standard Assets Management Spain, I alone have the deposit details and they will release the deposit to no one unless I instruct them to do so. I alone know of the existence of this deposit for as far as Standard Assets Management United Kingdom is concerned, the transaction with Mr. Philip Mutaf, concluded when I sent the funds to Standard Assets Management Spain....

My proposal, I am prepared to place you as the next of kin in a position to instruct Standard Assets Management Spain to release the deposit to you as the closest surviving relation. Upon receipt of the deposit, I am prepared to share the money with you in half. That is: I will simply nominate you as the next of kin and have them released the deposit to you. We share the proceeds 50/50.

I would have gone ahead to ask the funds be released to me, but that would have drawn a straight line in my involvement in claiming the deposit. I assure you that I could have the deposit released to you within a few days. I will simply inform the bank of the final closing of the file relating to Mr. Philip Mutaf I will then officially communicate with Standard Assets Management Spain and instruct them to release the deposit to you. With these: all is done.

The genius* of this particular scam is that instead of trying to disguise the criminal nature of what it asks you to do with a moral veneer, it openly proclaims the illegality of what it asks:

I am aware of the consequences of this proposal. I ask that if you find no interest in this project that you should discard this mail.

Moreover, it turns the guilt around onto the reader, suggesting that the immoral act would really be revealing Mr. Timinski's proposal, not going along with it.

I ask that you do not be vindictive and destructive. If my offer is of no appeal to you, delete this message and forget I ever contacted you. Do not destroy my career because you do not approve of my proposal.

If you turn him in, you'll be ruining his career. But in fact, what he asks isn't really as immoral as it sounds, because as all savvy people know, morality is relative:

You may not know this but people like myself who have made tidy sums out of comparable situations run the whole private banking sector. I am not a criminal and what I do, I do not find against good conscience, this may be hard for you to understand, but the dynamics of my industry dictates that I make this move.

In fact, Mr. Timinski is an entrepeneur, whose initiative should be rewarded:

Such opportunity only comes once in a lifetime. I cannot let this chance pass me by, for once I find myself in total control of my destiny. These chances won't pass me by. I ask that you do not destroy my chance, if you will not work with me let me know and let me move on with my life but do not destroy me.

At the same time, he's got his heart in the right place and supports traditional family values:

I am a family man and this is an opportunity to provide them with new opportunities.

Moreover, he argues that the risks are minimal:

There is a reward for this project and it is a task well worth undertaking. I have evaluated the risks and the only risk I have here is from you refusing to work with me and alerting my bank. I am the only one who knows of this situation, good fortune has blessed you with a name that has planted you into the center of relevance in my life. Let's share the blessing please do not hesitate.

Nonetheless, he sets a whole lot of rules about what you have to do if you want to be involved:

If you give me positive signals, I will initiate this process towards a conclusion. I wish to inform you that should you contact me via official channels; I will deny knowing you and about this project. I repeat, I do not want you contacting me through my official phone lines nor do I want you contacting me through my official email account. Contact me only through my private email account and the numbers I will provide for you and also through this email address. I do not want any direct link between you and me. My official lines are not secure lines as they are periodically monitored to assess our level of customer care in line with our Total Quality Management Policy. Please observe this instruction religiously. Please, again, note I am a family man with 2 children. I send you this mail not without a measure of fear as to what the consequences, but I know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches never come easy or on a platter of gold. This is the one truth I have learned from my private banking clients. Do not betray my confidence. If we can be of one accord, we should plan a meeting soon.

I have no idea what the success rate of any of these spam scams is - do people actually rush to help out a poor helpless Nigerian by providing their bank account numbers? Nonetheless, it's fascinating to see spam evolve in such a way that suggests that its author(s) believe that admitting the criminal nature of their request will lure more suckers than offering them the opportunity to do someone a good turn. Interesting perspective on modern society...

*Defining "genius" broadly, of course - I doubt this has encouraged many to rush out and "invest" with Mr. Timinski. At least, I hope not!

Comments

[jo(e)]

So when an academic takes the time to do a close reading of a scam email, is it safe to assume that she's got reviews to write? Papers to grade?

I loved your analysis. And, of course, I read it all with great interest because I've got this stack of papers on my desk that I'm supposed to be grading ....

[Paris]

Wow, that's way more fun than the standard Nigerian scam, although the fact that he thinks $31,000 is a lot of money suggests that he lives nowhere near Scotland or is woefully inattentive to the exchange rate.

The Nigerian scam is the only piece of spam that makes it to my university account (how that works, someone please explain!). I look forward to reading this variation.

[lucy]

My parents were privileged enough to get that Nigerian spam before spam even existed. They used to actually phone people with that story.
Maybe the illegality aspect is another way of making sure people don't try to verify the story, too. I recently reread American Gods by Neil Gaiman and the con-artist character talks about how it's easier to scam a dishonest person than an honest one.

[Phi]

I second jo(e)'s comment :-).

Unfortunately my stack's so large I can't even _find_ my grading...

[mano]

i can't believe you read all of that so carefully. (unless you are avoiding other tasks.) i can never stand to read them and just trash them, but your analysis is brilliant :)

[sheepish]

Oh, but didn't you see? The Nigerian scammers won the Ignoble Prize for Literature!

Also, I remember hearing about a federal tax collector who fell for the Nigerian scam, which was detected because he was doing it on government computers.

[Sharon]

But maybe no more...

The most outrageous (but also original) one of this type I've ever had is the one that claimed to be from an Arab woman who was being horribly abused by her husband and needed me to help her smuggle the money out of the country so she could escape from him.

[KWK]

When I have time I like to ask where these scam persons want the money sent? They always give a third party name. Later I inform them I had my agent deliver the money in cash to them, in hopes they will beat each other fighting about the money.

[Jessyka]

OMG who ever did this is an idiot!
yet kudos for the effort

[AD]

I just received a modified version of this email and have gotten the Nigerien one before, a few years ago.

So I thought that if this Mutaf person really existed, with his apart money making abilities, I would find him. This web site was at the top of the list. I knew this was a scam, but after reading the above, I'm rolling at there shear histarics of it.

[QueenMama]

LOL...I just got one today from a "Beck Adams" at HSBC-UK regarding Mr. Mutaf. You have to be impressed when the scammers actually get someone to write the letter in "almost" perfect English, and the touch of larceny is brilliant! And you KNOW you're going to read of someone falling for this one! I love it!