Making a joyful noise to the Lord (or at least to those who believe in him)

For the first time in more years than I care to remember, I am singing in a choir. There is a community/local choir associated with my college, and I joined this year. I am really enjoying it, because it's such a mental break to spend a chunk of time concentrating intently on something so physical, and that has nothing to do with my research or teaching.

But it's funny, too, because there's a little part of me that wonders I've just found something else to feel insecure about. I'm a decent singer, I guess; I sang in choirs all through high school and college, and for the first year I was in grad school. I took private voice lessons through college and the first year of grad school, too. I know how to read music, I've taken a year of music theory, and I know the markings and directions of music, as well as the principles of phrasing. I've always been perfectly good at the parts of performing that can be learned, intellectually; it's the more emotional part that I used to struggle with (I remember trying to learn/sing great love arias from Carmen when I was nineteen and knew nothing about what I was singing about!), but I think this is easier when you're singing with a group than when you sing by yourself. I don't think my vocal sound is the world's most interesting, but it's not pain-inducing or anything.

But it's also been over ten years since I've sung anything anywhere other than in the shower or along with with the car radio. Nor do I now have access to a piano or other way to plunk out the lines and learn my parts. My ear is not naturally infallible; it needs to be trained, and it can be, but it's awfully out of shape. I also find myself wandering a little bit in terms of rhythm (I am the quintessential white girl who has NO rhythm. No way in hell can I sing anything other than classical). Walking into the first rehearsal and sight-reading for the first time in over a decade was pretty mind-blowing, let me tell you. Moreover, I know that a number of the other people in this choir are involved with music for a living (they direct other choirs or teach music or something like that). I've never been the star of any of the groups I've sung with, but I've always been near the top in technical competence - and now I really can't say that! Now I have to worry that I'm going to be the blunderer who slows everyone else down.

Okay, that actually probably won't be the case - I'm getting back into the swing of this and learning to hear things more quickly than I thought I could. But given how good academics are at imposter syndrome, now I'm just amused at myself that I've transferred that syndrome to another arena entirely.

I think the other weird thing about singing again is that the last time I sang on a regular basis, I was still a student - very definitely a student - undergrad and very early grad. The conductor was always very much an authority figure to me (well, most conductors tend to be this way anyway, however charming they may be). Here I am singing again; and the conductor feels like an authority figure in just the same way; but at the same time he's my colleague - he's a professor where I teach. It's a sign of how comfortable I've become as a faculty member that becoming a student again, in relation to one of my colleagues, feels very strange.

Overall, mind you, this is all very fun and I'm excited to be doing it. But I am an academic, after all, and what kind of academic would I be if I failed to overanalyze the experience?

Oh, the making a joyful noise of the part of this title refers to the other night, when the choir sang a brief church service. I used to feel sort of ambivalent about performing in church services, because I wasn't a believer, and I was a little concerned that I was somehow presenting myself as something I'm not. But that was a long time ago, when I had a much more antagonistic attitude to organized religion. While I still don't belong to one myself, I feel much more respectful to religion now, partly through learning more about it and through studying what I study (you certainly can study the Middle Ages through the lens of antagonism to the church, but you're probably going to be frustrated/angered by a lot of things that you study, and it makes things much more interesting if you can think about the church as a complex, multi-faceted organization, and do medieval people the courtesy of respecting the fact that they, like people today, can believe sincerely without being somehow duped by the magical mind-control abilities that modern people tend to attribute to the medieval church; it's much more interesting to think about how and why belief functions than to rail against its idiocy, imho). Anyway, the church service the other night was much more about performance than any kind of spiritual expression (of my own, at least), but there was actually something nice about feeling like I was doing a little tiny bit of service to others, in helping to provide the music that allowed people to worship in a way that (hopefully) serves their needs.

Comments

[terminaldegree]

So glad you're being a part of organized crime (er, music)!

You're right that it's a matter of getting back into shape. It's both physical (getting the voice stronger, using breath correctly, etc.) and mental (sightsinging and remembering pitch). It really does get easier with practice.

But I think you'll find one added benefit now: as we get into our late 20s and 30s, our voices mature! You're going to have a much better voice now than you did as a college undergrad once you get back into shape. Neat, huh?

[bright star]

yay! another singer! what part do you sing? What are your favorite styles of music to sing?

I have definitely found what Dr. T says to be true. It was like all of a sudden when I was singing in grad school, I could do things with my voice that I could never do before. So cool.

I admire that you can read music. I think I use my piano playing spouse as a crutch. I always attached myself to male musicians to help me learn music -- either as boyfriends or good friends. Like, I have to sing this soon, plunk out the notes for me, and I would just practice it until I had it down. It would have been more efficient to actually learn to sight read, probably. I know how to read music generally, but I don't know how to translate it aloud. Like if someone just points at a string of notes and says to sing them... ??? I can't do that. But have a piano play along with music I have just seen, I can fake that pretty well.

Anyhow, I am excited for you. I hope you find this to be a good release.

[TF]

Neat! I wish I could sing. I hope you keep it up and get through this 'training' stage until it gets easier and more satisfying.

And I know this was only a parenthetical, but I think you should expand that bit about antagonism (or not) towards relgiion and study of the Middle Ages -- in its own post, that is. Like you, I somehow, somewhere made the transition from antagonism to respect, but I still get frustrated with my students who have knee-jerk antagonism.

[RMC]

You mention that you don't have a particularly interesting voice, but that's a plus for choir singing.

I have a close friend who auditioned (and joined) the Washington Cathedral choir, and was told that the lack of "color" in her voice made her a perfect addition. Color and unique shape makes good soloists, but when blend is the goal, well, interesting is mostly just frustrating.

Of course, this is spoken as a lit. scholar with a similar past dabbling in music, but my my my I miss the physical and psychic release of a good communal sing!

[New Kid on the Hallway]

B*, I sing alto (if there's a split, alto II). In my own lessons (way back!) when I was working on solo stuff, my teachers were working on getting me into shape as a mezzo, but I don't think I'm a good choir soprano type (though I did have a conductor put me on soprano I once in college - which was an absolute nightmare! well, it was one of those modern pieces with no time signatures and no actual notes half the time. Lots of screeching and wailing. Lutaslowski or something? eeek. Didn't work for me) (and I will point out that I do like a lot of modern things and enjoyed singing modern stuff - but I do like the structure of, you know, actual notes). Hmm, I guess that gets into my favorite styles to sing - pretty much classical; I suck at jazz or popular stuff (though I sing the latter in the car all the time!). I have to confess that I find Handel really fun, but I also did like modern-y stuff like Vaughn Williams and Copland. (And I worked on Mahler's Kindertotenlieder for a while, which just made me want to cry every time I sang it.) And I like singing Faure songs, too. (But this is largely just a listing of the stuff I've worked on - I'm not that well-informed musically!)

RMC, that's interesting to hear! I've suspected that before, but never heard it confirmed.

And yes, TD, I'm looking forward to seeing what my grown-up voice can do! (I suppose I should try it out more than once a week... ;-D)

[Mommyprof]

Blend voices are great - choir wouldn't work without them. I miss choir a lot.

MP

[Sean]

I have a good friend who is a professor, whom you would never in a million years imagine in a choir ... he loves it and also finds it very therapeutic. Good for you! :)

[Jeannette]

Wow. I know what you mean about Kindertotenlieder. I cry when I TEACH them, much less sing. (not really cry, just tear up a little...i can't help it)

I hope you have fun! Last time I sang was in a symphony chorus and it was fun sitting by the old ladies, because they held onto me for dear life so they could hear their part. It was a big ego-booster.

[New Kid on the Hallway]

Hi, Jeannette! I have to confess that at the moment I'm hanging onto the old ladies for dear life...but thankfully a little less each time. :-)

[dr. deb]

So many academics/amateur singers! I joined in a local community chorus when I was writing my dissertation (having sung in high school, college, etc much as it sounds that you did), and am still at it, in year 4 of the tenure track. Your post really resonates with my experience. I also find it very restful to "give it up" for someone else in front of the room once a week - the rest of the time I am the boss lady, and it is a very important P.O.V. shift in my week.